Confessions of a Modern Chinese Girl : Who pays?

Dinner Date - who pays?

Dinner Date – who pays?

The following post was sent to us by a lovely Chinese girl who lives in  Shanghai. She is in her late 20s, enjoys a successful career with an international brand company, has traveled the world and is perhaps typical of the “modern Chinese girl” :

I often talk about relationship dilemmas with colleagues and my girlfriends. Most of the girls I know in China think that the boyfriend should pay everything related to dating, like dinner, drink, taxi. I think its because in Chinese culture, men have always paid for girls. In my hometown and in Shanghai, men don’t want women to pay, even when I want to pay. So Chinese girls behave like man should pay everything. I have a girlfriend who just can’t accept that her American boyfriend always only pay for himself. We call it “AA” in China, and she is very angry about that.

For me, I also don’t like AA. But, I really don’t think man should pay all the time. If a man pays for my dinner, I would appreciate that, i would think he is nice and gentle, but I definitely don’t think its a must and I don’t consider it part of the male responsibilities. But it’s not that easy to do.

When we order the bill, girls generally wouldn’t take out their wallets. They would just sit and wait there. But for me, I would feel ashamed if i just waited there for the guy to pay, it would make me feel uncomfortable. I can pay this time, and the men can pay next time, or the opposite. It’s reasonable.

My friend was very shocked yesterday when she heard me talk about this . She thinks that I am too independent and that I’m not like a Chinese girl. Yes, maybe, sometimes I behave in a very independent way, and I know that Chinese traditional men don’t like this kind of girl. It’s true. When i behave this way, they might admire me, but they would probably decide to stay away from me.

She would love to hear your opinions on her dilemma and thoughts.

8 comments to Confessions of a Modern Chinese Girl : Who pays?

  • VB

    As a western male, my mother taught me to open doors, be polite, and pay the tab when appropriate. Good manners count and reflect on you positively. I see that as a way of honoring my mothers teaching and being honoring her example. That said, I would be accommodating to a woman who wanted to rotate the tab. I would be honored by her egalitarian spirit and desire to modern equals.

  • also as a western male, I believe it’s the gentleman’s responsibility to pay for his date. But if she wants to exercise her independence and offer to pay, I’d say something like, “I’ll get this, you can get the next one,” with a smile. I’d be happy for her to pay the next time. It could be the start of a beautiful relationship of mutual give and take.

  • kenny

    Why chinese woman prefer foreigner.Has many reasons of this like , love , respect, romantic, handsome, well educated, well sexual activity, if marry can birth more babies and babies can speak two mother languages, go another country live different culture and lifestyle, not need spend to life for nonsense (buy home or car by credits), less parents stress , freedom…Come on true love. Wake up Chinese Woman…

  • Chaz

    Marry me :) you sound amazing

  • puppet_sock

    My experience is limited to one Chinese woman. But here goes. My sweetie has a fairly good job, and is reasonably well off, so your experience may be very different if your sweetie is not getting paid so much. Depending on the exchange rate this week, she may be making more or less than me.

    She wants me to pay most of the time. But when she wants to pay I better be ready to accept with grace.

    For example: She bought symphony tickets. And the evening was her treat. And I was extremely happy to spend the time with her, and told her so. And then she insisted that she buy dinner after the show. Which again I was very happy to let her, and enjoyed the dinner very much, and said so. She picked the show and the restaurant, and so she wanted to pay. The next three or four nights out I picked and I paid.

  • I do not know but where I come from, if you want to date girl… you pay! Some Americans are very spoiled and think only abut themselves. I would pay all the time, but if the girl insist I would always suggest that OK…now we split, but next time when I take you on a date, I pay…OK? So in this case she knows ahead of time I will pay. I think its better this way. But I know that guys should ALWAYS pay!

  • western guy

    Oh my gosh!…. Finally I find a chinese girl that has common sense regarding the “payment issue”…!!
    I feel ashamed when I have dinner with a girl that has a job and earns her own money and makes you pay for everything..!!! (in case her salary is low… it’s so simple… the man can pay more, or pay more times…)….. A date is a matter of two, not a matter of only one. Thanks to this chinese girl for giving a good example to the rest of girls…!!!

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