Last year I traveled to China to meet my Chinese girlfriend. For me, as an American (or westerner in general) this trip was certainly an interesting experience full of many first time encounters. From a personal perspective, I feel that eating the first meal with my girlfriend’s parents was a major milestone in the relationship.  Bearing in mind that everyone’s experience will be different, I want to share my perspective and try to offer some useful generalizations on this topic.

I should preface my comments with the realization that the age of your girlfriend will certainly affect cultural perspectives and attitudes.  A twenty year old Chinese woman from Shanghai will have a different mindset than a forty-five year old woman from Beijing.

For the Chinese, much the same as the French, eating is a passion and the food offerings are tremendous and exciting.  Many families still have regular meals together unlike in much of the western countries.  You will most likely not have your first meal together at the family home, as it is not common for men to be invited into the home until the family agrees and accepts the relationship.  Most likely you will meet her parents at a banquet restaurant.

This can be a good time to bring small gifts of welcome and greeting for the family. I advise talking with your girlfriend about the plan for gifts and working on this together.  Because of cultural differences, sometimes a great gift in the west can be a cultural disaster for your relationship and harm your first impression.

The meal can vary in style depending on where your girl lives – in my case it was Chongqing hotpot.  This is the time to demonstrate certain skills and restraint.  You should have been practicing for some time with chopsticks and your skilled use will show that you have embraced their culture and earn you praise (even if not in your presence).

The style of most Chinese eating is communal-style consisting of a central dish, several vegetable dishes, soup, and rice.  The soup will often be the only drink available, so be prepared to ask for a beverage if you need one.  Do not be surprised when both your girlfriend and her mother are picking out bits of food, with the same chopsticks they put in their mouths, and quickly filling your bowl which will never seem to empty.  This is how a Chinese family shows affection, by feeding you, and you should try your best to eat.

At this point you may be offered various morsels which you can not identify or have never tried. Be adventurous and eat!  What we sometimes refer to as non-edible or undesirable can be considered the best part and you could easily offend her parents if you do not accept.  This is where good communication is important, talk to your girlfriend and ask her for her thoughts and advice on how to best make a good impression.

During the meal, her father will probably try to offer you some form of alcohol – this is when you should use some restraint.  While an honorary drink with dad is great, getting drunk in front of her parents is not so good.  How can they trust their daughter to a man with no self-control?

After the meal is complete, it is very common to go for a long walk to aid digestion and take in the sights.  I recommend avoiding public affection with your girlfriend in the restaurant or initially around her parents.  Again, this kind of affection is not common and you still have to earn acceptance.  Hopefully for you, the next meal will be in the family home as you are accepted.

One last bit of advice regarding the meal, try your best to pay for the meal as it is your audition for entry into the family.

Good luck and Gan Bei!