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How To Apologize To Chinese Girl?

怎样向中国女孩道歉？

ApologizingAs I mentioned in my previous post about compliments, such human interactions as giving and accepting gifts, complimenting, apologizing etc. comprise an important part of what can be called as national mentality. Thus, in order to improve the mutual understanding in intercultural relationship it is important to learn the appropriate ways of apologizing as well.

It’s hard to recall where I heard it first time, but I remember someone mentioning that French use to say: “If woman is wrong – it’s the man who should say sorry”.

Mmm… if men could follow such gentlemen’s code – then this world would be perfect! Hehe, I am kidding. Don’t worry. Most Chinese girls are quite sane and normal – unlike it might be assumed after reading this article claiming a high prevalence of narcissistic types among Chinese women.

Of course, every person is different. But I don’t know a girl who doesn’t like sweet words. It is especially efficient because Chinese men are generally very reserved.

So – if you made a mistake about which you regret and want to make up – don’t think in the rational terms of fairness. Just make the first step and try to be as sweet as honey :-).

I admit that don’t understand why “Sorry seems to be the hardest word”? Does a man lose face if he says “sorry”? In my opinion – when it comes to romantic relationships ability to apologize is what makes a man to be the man.

However, sweet words and flowers is not a panacea. On the contrary, one shouldn’t treat it as a sort of indulgence which can be used at any given moment. Just as foreign men compared to Chinese are more proficient in sweet rhetoric, Chinese are better in letting actions to speak instead of words.

So, if you messed up the things – use your imagination and prepare some kind of surprise – something that would make your girl touched and melt her heart. Is there something that the girl always wanted from you, but you never had time? Well… now it’s the time!

Don’t misunderstand: I am NOT talking about buying expensive gifts. Unfortunately, I have witnessed a relationship in which a guy became a victim of very capricious and selfish girl who always succeeded to manipulate him into feeling guilty and “forced” him to do whatever she wanted. In fact, they recently got married and I really feel very sorry for that man…

Let’s get back to the not so pathological situations :-). Want an example of original way to apologize? Okay! Here is a story from newspaper. One Chinese guy from Guangzhou quarreled with his girlfriend. It seems that he did something really bad – since she even didn’t want to talk to him. And what did he decide to do then? He knew that she had a hobby of taking a care of “virtual garden” in her QQ space (a popular internet social platform in China). So – he went to the outskirts of their city and with the help of a local farmer created a real garden similar to the one that his girlfriend made online. Afterwards he invited her for a “last” conversation, brought her to that garden and begged for a second chance, which was immediately granted to him.

But you know what is the best way to apologize? It is to avoid unnecessary fights and quarrels. Here, in fact, I would advise you to learn from Chinese men. Chinese girls like to nag and complain. So – wise Chinese men evolved the ability to “install special filters” into their ears allowing them to “listen” to their women without losing the temper. Maybe you should also try ;-)

And if you have some tips on how to apologize to Chinese girls – leave your comments.

Sometimes nagging, Crystal Tao

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  • TLB

    Hi Crystal, great post as always.

    One question for you. I read this a lot: “Chinese are better in letting actions to speak instead of words.” Can you give some examples (other than the one guy with the garden, I suspect that would be unusual even in China, or else it wouldn’t have made the newspaper). What I mean is, how would a Chinese man show love in a way that you think a Western man would not? (I’m trying to learn for the sake of my Chinese fiancee!).

    And I certainly agree with your final comment that the best way is not to quarrel. I was surprised recently when, on a Chinese blog somewhere, the author said he thought quarreling with his girlfriend “spiced up his life.” I don’t consider arguments “spice” at all (I can think of lots more fun ways to spice up a life!).

    And finally, regarding your French joke, it reminds me of an American comic (I forget which one) who, many years ago, said he started each day with an apology to his wife “for whatever I’m going to do today that’s going to make you mad.”

    Now *that’s* being proactive! :razz:

    • http://www.facebook.com/peter.trier1 Peter Trier

      I tell my wife every day at some point she is wo de piaoliang taitai. She always says you are my husband. This is the only reassuring we each need and we have been 10,000km apart for 8 months!

  • Erik

    I don’t think that there is a loss of face from saying that you are sorry, but I think that the problem is that boys are not taught how to apologize. If a boy doesn’t learn, it’s unlikely that the grown boy will be able to apologize.

  • http://laowaiink.weebly.com Mark

    The apology should fit the crime. If the guy screws up big, he should make a big apology, such as making a nice dinner, buying her something special, etc. But if it’s a small screw-up, then a sincere apology and maybe some flowers are fine.

    I’ve seen girls take their men hostage and have him go through elaborate apologies before she “takes him back,” though she wasn’t planning on throwing him away in the first place. And with the increased retardedness of soap operas these days, the guys think that they have to do something spectacular to atone for even small mistakes.

    I’m glad that my wife isn’t this childish, and while I’ve apologized in grand fashion before, usually all it takes is sincerity. There’s no shame in saying that you’re sorry. Unless he’s done something terrible, a man should never grovel, and if the mistake is indeed the woman’s fault, the man should apologize for the misunderstanding and offer some sweet words of encouragement, but not go out of his way and spend a lot of effort. There are a lot of immature, hyper-emotional girls in China and they’re just not worth it. A woman who appreciates a man’s sincere efforts, now that’s a keeper.

  • http://www.lovelovechina.com Crystal

    Hi TLB,
    It is sometimes hard to give examples that illustrate general impressions. Like with the one “Chinese are better in letting actions to speak instead of words”.

    But one thing that I paid attention to – is that foreigners always emphasize the fairness in relationships, rationalize a lot and (at least in movies) use the phrase “Do you want to talk about it?”

    Of course, there are no actions that Chinese men can do, and foreigners cannot. But what, in my opinion, sometimes happens – is that in certain situations foreign men would prefer to talk about the problem, discuss it and try to solve it with words – while Chinese men would less talk and DO something nice instead (or just compromise without seeking fairness).

    • http://www.facebook.com/peter.trier1 Peter Trier

      I think you have touched on the problem and resolution here. Westerners prefer to resolve and move on to the next thing. It seems to me that though they say they do not, Chinese women and men hold grudges until you fix the problem by doing an equally good thing. One way to learn to get along is this type of learning. My wife and I only knew each other for 3 months online until we met in person the day before we married. but we had 6 very nice weeks together 24 hours a day before I had to return to the US for 8 months.
      One problem we run into repeatedly is the Chinese unwillingness to share their private past. My wife has not come to understand partly because our translator does not understand that as a westerner I want to know about her family, her past, what her home is like etc. that to satisfy Immigration requirement I understand my wife’s life and past she has to share with me if she has had other relationships since her divorce 10 years ago or they will deny her. I did not find out until 6 months after we married she had been married TWICE not once before. That was almost the end of our marriage because she hid something so important and did not see that as a problem because she was embarrased by it! I have yet to even see a picture of her home and we have been together a year! She makes excuses for not sharing pictures and rarely talks of her 4 sisters and parents. She does not understand why this causes severe doubt in her sincerity by me? This is the cultural barrier that could make or break a relationship.
      she has started to understand that she cannot ignore me for days at a time, because we cannot do the things for each other that Chinese see as ways to express love. this has been the hardest hill for us to get over.

  • http://www.lovelovechina.com Crystal

    Mark, you are right that there are hyper-emotional and imature girls in China today.
    Some time ago I witnessed how in the middle of the street a girl suddenly stopped, literally puffed her lips and stood there refusing to move until her boyfriend said sorry maybe twenty times.
    At that moment indeed I thought that she behaved like an actress from some soap opera (and not very good actress, by the way :lol:).

  • yournametobynow

    While this article is really insightful, part of what Western men feel about “fairness” in relationships is that people should take responsibility for their actions. If my girlfriend does something that hurts my feelings, there’s no reason why I should need to do something for her in the name of harmony – that’s completely absurd. She should apologize, and we should talk about it, and the matter will be settled.

    But I know this isn’t the Chinese way, and women can get away with pretty much any sort of behavior here because their boyfriends/husbands are willing to put up with it, but the line must be drawn somewhere. If whatever caused the rift in the relationship is not my fault, I shouldn’t need to put myself in a position where I’m basically apologizing to you for something you did. That’s just crazy.

    I understand what you’re saying, though – I just wish my Chinese girlfriend were a little better at apologizing to me when she screws up. And an apology is enough. I don’t need someone to buy something or spend a bunch of time making a real version of a QQ garden that will undoubtedly die for lack of watering. Sometimes I just want her to say she’s sorry for what she did.

  • http://www.lovelovechina.com Crystal

    Dear “yournametobynow”,

    You are right. Chinese way of harmony is different.
    I only wish that you find the harmony with your girlfriend, whether it would be Chinese or any other way.

  • Uber

    “Just as foreign men compared to Chinese are more proficient in sweet rhetoric, Chinese are better in letting actions to speak instead of words.”

    I disagree completely, the problem is a distinct difference in what we consider appropriate in relationships. Foreigners will let their actions speak when it makes sense to us but in Chinese relationships it seems Chinese girls never want to talk things out, just scream and yell and have the guy kowtow to her to try and get her to forgive. In the West this would be considered incredibly rude of the girl and the guy would look like beaten child.

    Two weeks ago my girlfriend got angry about a silly misunderstanding and refused to talk to me. I dropped her at home and she turned to leave and apparently I was suppose to follow her to her house like a sad puppy begging for her forgiveness. I didn’t and she was furious. That’s not letting actions speak, that’s a spoiled girl acting like a child… In the west we are taught if someone acts like a child, you treat them like a child.

    So maybe it all comes back to how we treat children in the first place, in China a screaming child is often coddled and given treats to make it happy. In the West we are told to let the child scream (I say told to because many parents don’t and end up with spoiled children back home as well), don’t give in otherwise you just create a spoiled child or what could be referred to as “little prince/princess syndrome”.

  • Uber

    Oh and yeah. just ranting a little haha relationships frustrate me… ;-)

  • TLB

    Crystal, I’m interested in your notion of “fairness” vis-a-vis relationships in China versus the West. You’re probably right that Westerners hold fairness(it comes from ideas of equality and personal responsibility) as a pretty high value in all relationships (not just romantic ones). The two posts by (I’m assuming) Western men here outline, I think, two extremes.

    @yournametobynow, I think even in the West you’d have a hard time maintaining a long-term relationship if you insist on apologizing only when wrong and insist on being apologized to when right. That would be a nice ideal I think, except that being “right” or “wrong” is not so black-and-white. I think you can insist on being recognized as “right” and be single, or you can be in a relationship — you pretty much have to choose which is more important to you. :grin: (forgive me if I misread your meaning, but it’s still a good point to make)

    On the other hand, @Uber shows a pretty extreme example of “kowtowing” that I think almost all Western men would find disgusting and very difficult to sustain.

    There has to be a middle place somewhere where each person puts the relationship in front of being right. This has already happened to me with my fiancee: once we had a misunderstanding over money (the only major misunderstanding so far) and she apologized first (I wasn’t “holding out,” it just happened that way, as I was in my Western mind of trying to understand via talking it out). After that, I apologized too (it really was both our faults — and neither of our faults as well). Seeing her willingness to apologize for the sake of the relationship when she really did nothing wrong moved me greatly, made me love her more, and also opened the way for me easily to apologize in the future, even if I’m right — for the sake of what we have together.

    It also confirmed to me that she’s no spoiled princess, which I pretty much already knew. ;-)

    Perhaps the point of all of these posts is that the woman needs to show that the relationship is more important to her, too.

  • http://www.lovelovechina.com Crystal

    @Uber: I learn a lot from readers’ comments, since it gives opportunity to see things in a different perspective.
    That’s true – your girl’s behavior, as you described it, is hard to justify from any point of view.
    I, however, believe that people can change for better and you can help her. I say it from my own experience, realizing how much I changed because of my boyfriend.

    @TLB: I can feel that you respect different cultures and mentalities – so you will have no problems to find common language with your beloved. What’s more – since your fiancee doesn’t belong to the generation of 80s or 90s, she was spared from the influence of one-child-policy (adopted in 1979), which as many believe resulted in “princesses syndrome”.

  • Justin Liu

    It’s funny how guys think that being right and winning an argument with your GF is going to end the problem. It’s much much much better just to listen to her and ask why she is upset. More often than not by talking it out (better yet shut up and listen) you let her calm down and maybe forget the problem in the first place.

  • Erik

    Even though I think he is a completely bogus, Dr Phil did ask – “Do you want to be right, or happy?”

    • http://www.lovelovechina.com Crystal

      It seems that gentlemen have consensus on this topic ;-)

  • xino

    can apology be accepted if Woman wants to sit on man’s face? :lol:

    • http://www.lovelovechina.com Crystal

      I wonder if there is any plugin for blog which could help me to repel trolls :?:

  • Bai Long

    I bit old thread but would like to bump it up with my own first hand experiences with my X CN GF last year.

    Last summer I spent several months in Beijing and met up with my gf I had met the year before in China, it didn’t took many days I got steamy of anger over her (it’s a bit of story from the past before the encounter I will tell about now) and was verbally harsh and rude to her and told her to go away from my hotel room and offered her to take a taxi and pay for it so she could get home safe which she couldn’t because it was “dangerous” to take a taxi in the evening. Well, she went to the hotel lobby and sat there whole night (she told my afterwards) and went back not until in the morning so everything went safe with her return back to the university where she lived.

    The time passed by and even I had to melt the tragic end that night but after a week I ordered flower delivery to her, I couldn’t get there by my own because the university dorms were guarded so couldn’t surprise her, anyway the days went by without receiving any text message though I was notified b the flower delivery company the flowers were delivered, made many attemps by text messages to apologize, explain and warm her up, but didn’t still receive any message and so it went on for a month, then I become reminded of a song she liked so I looked up the lyrics and typed everything down in a text message where after I hear from her after trying many attempts via text messages to get her attention.
    Well, we finally met up and went through everything and I got to know from her the flowers I bought her she had given away all the roses to her friends, the flowers didn’t warm her even a tiny bit, the whole procedure to normalize our relationship took about 2 months.

    One thing that really made me disappointed with her was the fact even if it was my fault, was that she turned her sad feelings to complete anger and hate, most girls would have been sad and complained and whining, but not my Chinese gf, she was really silent and cold and that was my first red light signal she is the kind of one child policy princess victim, and this was very much my impression she was always a bit cold in understanding my feelings in general but I should of course understand her, to no avail many attempts to put things in an objective way could make her see things through my eyes.

    Another time I had not been back home in time in the evening, she used to stay in the university every day until 10 a clock in the night so I went one evening to a calm bar meeting up a friend having a peaceful beer as I was mostly alone at home until she came home late. Then she calls me and wonders where I am with a frustrating and heartbroken voice, of course this was my fault as I had completely forgotten the time so I returned back home immediately in a taxi.
    But the funny part of this story was that she had been waiting 50 minutes outside the door to the block of building I was living in and she made a big deal about she had been waiting 50 minutes BEFORE she called me (Now mind you I lived in a well over average nice building complex in Beijing, well fenced with dozens of guards patrolling all over 24/7 so it was a very safe place to wait on the inner garden), but it blow me away she didn’t call me immediately after I didn’t answer in the door phone but instead she let her through the pain waiting additional 50 minutes and with all the inflated anger built up during those 50 minutes and put all the blame on me that it was my fault she had to wait so long time. I tried to explain things goes in two ways in a relationship so if one doesn’t show up it is equally much the other persons responsibility to check up why, there could have been a more severe reason to why, an accident for instance, we humans aren’t perfect always.

    One night in the end of last summer I told her after a small quarrel that I thought we were too different due to our different stages in life and maybe we don’t fit each other, well she couldn’t leave me and started to cry a bit so we held it together. The end of my time in Beijing came and I went back home to my country in the end of the summer and we decided to talk during the autumn about our future, so one day 2 months later after my return she sent an e-mail and reminded we should start to talk, ok I insisted we should do so, two weeks later I received her next consecutive e-mail where she suddenly told me she had found a new BF, so much for a traditional girl, yes she was really traditional and I was her first BF in every way.
    This was sure a bit of a disappointment but I hope I will find some day a new Chinese GF and definitely more experiences of a steady relationship, no more “daddy-daughter” relationships with a mission impossible case to apologize a narcissist princess. ;-(

    • http://www.lovelovechina.com Crystal

      Seems your girlfriend indeed was self-centered: the fact that she waited outside for 50 minutes and didn’t call you to find out what happened shows that she “forgot” that you also can have your reasons to be late (or out); she only thought that you MUST be home because she already came back!

      I remember one joke (maybe not very related)…

      Young woman calls her mother and cries: “It’s so late, my husband is not home! I think he is cheating on me and is spending time with another woman”.
      Her mother calms her down: “Come on, don’t panick so easily. Why do you always think about the worst? Maybe he just had a car accident and is in hospital now?”

  • Nick

    I just read the posts in this topic, and I am _so_ lucky. My little angel will apologize if she made a mistake, and I’ll apologize if I made a mistake. We’ve never raised our voices to each other.

    Though, it goes both ways – we once had a SERIOUS misunderstanding that resulted from both of us trying so hard to accommodate the other that the resulting miscommunication nearly ended our relationship. I was going to Nanjing to lecture at a university there, and the plan was that I would be lecturing for 8 hours each day for four days straight. She was going to take time off from work to be with me, and I was trying to be considerate and tell her that she should wait until after the lectures are all over, because my area of expertise is of no interest to her and she’d be bored to tears and most likely not understand most of the lectures. (She’s brilliant, mind you, but just like I don’t understand business, she doesn’t really understand computer security.)

    She misinterpreted that as meaning that I did not want her at all. It took nearly a week to straighten that out, and I shortened the lecture series to make it clear to her that I wanted to spend every moment I could with her. She sat through my lectures, not understanding any of it, but she wanted to be there with me.

    That was a couple of years ago. Things are fine now.

  • Mikey

    “Chinese girls like to nag and complain. So – wise Chinese men evolved the ability to “install special filters” into their ears allowing them to “listen” to their women without losing the temper. Maybe you should also try”

    Wow. I just had an epiphany. I’ve been married to my HK wife for 7 years, and being Italian/Irish, I am quick to get defensive and argue – hot blooded and all ;) But now I see the light!

  • China Shark Mike

    Different cultures require different mindsets. Some of these posters brought back bad memories of my exgirlfriend. When the relationship is not mutual there is no point in pursuing it. If it’s not 50/50 there is never a chance. Relationships are about choosing your battles wisely. Not everything is worthy about arguing about. I’m on my 5th real relationship here and I’m finally able to be the cool headed guy. Sometimes you have to give ground to make it work. Who cares who is to blame, talk it through and try to come to an equitable understanding. A lot of the problem stems from Chinese men giving in to Chinese women at the least bit of nagging or whining. My one ex was completely myopic on the way things were, I couldn’t take it and broke up no less than 4 times in 1 year. Finally I said enough was enough and walked away. If you grovel it will only get worse in the future. That being said Chinese as a whole are very stubborn so if you have Chinese girlfriend or wife you got your work cut out for you here.

    • http://www.lovelovechina.com Crystal

      Fortunately, such red flags as breaking up 4 times in 1 year are quite visible (and can’t be disguised by the fact that the girl is Chinese) :razz:

      • http://www.facebook.com/peter.trier1 Peter Trier

        I agree! by number 4 you should have known something was wrong with your technique. I was worried that I was being scammed by number one and this is now who I am married to.

    • http://www.facebook.com/peter.trier1 Peter Trier

      LOL this reminds me of the night we were going to dinner in Nanning. It was very hot and I chose to not wear socks with my shoes (a pair intended for that purpose) I thought I had married a complete nutcase when my wife sat down on the bed fussing at me that she would not go to dinner with me until I put socks on. only no socks with sandals. I received a lecture about shoes and sandals and she was very upset. I finally decided it was one of the battles not worth fighting! I put on socks and shoes and we went to dinner (30 minutes after the discussion started). Needless to say I was very uncomfortably warm at dinner and my dear little wife gently wiped my face as i had sweat on my brow. Apparently that was better than my not having socks on in Nanning.

  • China Shark Mike

    She had her own agenda but I was too blind to read the writing on the walls. Both were to blame neither one of us ever learned to comprimise on any situations.

  • GentleGiant

    I think Bai Long hit it on the head, a lot of the behaviour in the younger women is due to the “One Child Princess” effect. Mum and Da have doted on her and given her everything she wants and now she expects any man she chooses to do the same.

    I experienced just this with an only child GF in 2009,(with me on a Fiance visa), my internet connection broke and she couldnt watch her Chinese soaps; she sobbed and wailed for HOURS telling me to fix it and I told her over and over and over that there was nothing I could do; the fault was at the exchange and we would have to wait until the engineers fixed it.
    She just couldnt accept it and actually phoned some Chinese friends of mine and BEGGED them to let her stay with them, so she could watch her soaps.

    Needless to say, we did not marry and she returned to China!!!

    My current fiance has a brother and 2 sisters, and is completely different; I am having problems getting some money to her for a flight to the UK (bank screw up), yet she is very patient and has even offered to postpone her visit until the summer.
    When we were together in China and something went wrong, she just shrugged, made a joke and carried on; we couldnt get a taxi to take us to her sisters house for dinner one night, so we walked the 5km while joking about hitching a lift on the back of one of the road workers trailers, or me squeezing into the back of one of those trike taxi things (I called them Tuk-tuks, what do the Chinese call them??).

    PS I am 198cm and 130KG!!!

  • Michael Joaquin

    Crystal I really love your articles on here. I live in London, UK but have a Chinese girlfriend and SO MUCH makes sense to me now. To be honest with you, I have dated different women from different countries / cultures but Chinese women have real class and elegance which is missing from the women here in the West. Keep up the great work.

    • http://www.facebook.com/peter.trier1 Peter Trier

      I agree with you completely. ask any middle aged American man married to a good Chinese woman. We will all tell you the same thing. They are truly different than American women who at our age are loud, obnoxious and abusive.

  • http://www.facebook.com/peter.trier1 Peter Trier

    hi you have a wonderful series of articles even for an old 55 year old like me. married my wife in Nanning last fall and still have no idea why she says or does 90% of things. I do have one way to apologize I have found to work. Since we are half a world apart for the past 8 months communication is terribly difficult at times. so I have found that the phrase “perhaps I am wrong in my understanding of the situation…” this works wonders when I know I am right and convinced she does too!! :)