Misadventures In The Middle Kingdom, Part I

Spy marriage

Ni hao. I stumbled across this site today, and think it is really cool. I’m going to tell some of the high points of my first year here in China, focusing on the love and relationships and sex part of the adventure. I am hoping to make a book out of it, so I’d enjoy a test run with some readers here.

I came here in August of last year. I am a thirty-six year old American caucasian male. Prior to coming here, I had been married for eight years, the last five of them sexless and loveless. When I landed in China, I was about 280 lbs (127 kg). I have never had any skill or confidence with women, and have had a very tame love life to date. Which is why I find the assumption that I am a “flower heart” amusing.

Today’s story… The Spy Who Shagged Me

I moved to Zhengzhou, Henan. I was quickly told that this is a very traditional part of China, and that “getting laid” is extremely difficult here, and when it happens, it comes with a price.

My first go round with romance in China started strange, got stranger, and ended completely freaking insane. I went to Sanya, Hainan, with two friends for a week’s vacation very early in my time in China. One night, while sitting on a beautiful beach drinking beer, we decided that life was pretty perfect… except we needed women. So we undertook to find some.

We fired up the “people nearby” function on WeChat, and began chatting. Before you know it, I was talking to beautiful women from all over China, Sanya being a tourist spot and all. Harbin, Chengdu, Xi’an, all over the place. Some turned out to be prostitutes. One turned out to be a guy, and offered to perform oral sex anyway. We declined his gracious offer.

Finally, I met a girl who was a local from Sanya. I asked her “what do you like to do for fun?” Rather than the usual “watch movies, shop, and talk to friends” she replied “drink beer and have fun.” Finally, a girl after my own heart. Or further down from my heart anyway.

I asked if she would meet for a drink, and she said she would love to, except she had just flown to Guangzhou for work. She wasn’t due to return until after I left. Oh well. On to the next one.

However, a couple of hours later, she messages again. “Hey, there really isn’t much going on at this business trip for a couple of days… why don’t I fly home, and we can go play?” This floored me. Girls don’t usually bother to cross the bar to meet me, let alone fly somewhere, on her own dime might I add. But of course, I agreed. I said I would pick her up at the airport. She asked how she would find me… I replied that I am a 193cm (6’4″) white guy, I’m easy to find in China.

The next day we met, had lunch with two of her friends, etc. Eventually, we decided to all have dinner, and I called in reinforcements. My friends came to dinner, after being assured the other girls were hot, and single. One of them speaks fluent Chinese, which I thought would come in handy. We had a nice seafood dinner, and then proceeded to a KTV, where we partied until early morning.

When that wound down, her friends vanished, and mine caught a cab back to our hotel. They asked if I was coming. I decided that no, I would escort her home, and see what happens. She and I got in a cab, and left.

I knew she had an apartment in Sanya, so I assumed we were going there. Instead, we pulled up next to a hotel. We went in, and she begins to check us in. I did not have my passport, so the clerk was not going to allow it. I gave him my best “dude, come on, help a brother out” look, and he relented. Bros are bros around the world I guess.

We proceeded to the room, which had two double beds. She climbed in one, fully clothed, and pointed at the other, and said “shui jiao.” (sorry, my pinyin spelling is atrocious.) I laughed at her, and climbed in bed with her. I know a done deal when I see one, and a hotel room is definitely that.

We had sex, and again in the morning. Afterward, she looked me in the eye, and said, “wo ai ni.” I had to look up what that meant, and was a bit skeeved out. But, this was my first piece in six years, and way way hotter than I deserved. So I returned it. Big, big mistake. But I was about to double down on the stupid.

She said she wanted to go to her hometown, a small city on the west coast of Hainan, a couple of hours away. Would I like to come with her? Sure, why the hell not, I said. So, I proceeded to go into the hinterland with a girl with whom I had maybe five words in common.

The first night, we had dinner with her family. I mean the whole damn clan. Dad, Stepmom, two brothers, two sisters, aunts, uncles, and a gaggle of children. When we walked into the house, I was instructed to light intense, place it by the family shrine, and bow to it three times. I did so. I was later informed by a Chinese friend that this meant I am married to her now. Oops. I was still waiting for my American divorce to go final too. I guess I am an international bigamist now.

At dinner at the restaurant (which I was expected to pay for by the way) I was obviously the center of attention. Nobody spoke a lick of English. At that time, I had maybe six words of Chinese. So to entertain my hosts (or guests since I was paying) I gathered the children all together, and taught them a song in English. It is what I do for a living after all, and the parents were proud and amused. I had passed the first test.

Then, her father broke out the baiju, and we proceeded to play every Chinese persons favorite game… let’s kill the laowai with alcohol. I drank enough to satisfy propriety, and refused any more. I had plans for the evening that did not involve a case of baiju dick.

The rest of my stay in her hometown was fairly uneventful. When it was time for me to fly home, and her back to Guangzhou, her brother and his wife drove us back to Sanya, and the four of us stayed in a hotel suite together. We all got drunk, and went to bed. When I say suite, by the way, I mean our bed was twenty feet from theirs, and only a half glass wall between them. She tried to start some action, and I refused. I don’t care what culture you are in, it is rude to fuck a guys sister where he can hear you.

She got pissed off, and turned off her phone, rendering communication impossible. She rolled over and went to sleep. I was left with little choice but to do the same. In the morning, I woke up first, showered, and was preparing to sneak out and catch a cab to the airport. That would have been the smart play. But I am stupid. And my dick is stupider. I woke her up, turned her phone on, and messaged her “what the hell is your problem?”

She goes on a rant about how she loves me, but I am just on vacation, and she will never see me again, blah blah blah. I told her “I am about to be stuck in a frozen polluted sh!thole all winter, why would I not fly to beautiful Hainan to see her?”

“Too expensive!” she said.

“A flight here is what, 2,000 kwai?”

“Yes. Very expensive.”

“I can handle that, from time to time.”

Then she asked what I make. I told her. Huge mistake. She was happy now.

So I had a girlfriend now, one that I cannot talk to. At all.

About a month later, I paid for her to fly to Zhengzhou, and she stayed about a week. It was nice, with a few problems. First of all, she was insanely jealous. Went through my phone constantly, and threw a fit whenever a girl messaged. Once, my sister messaged me late at night, when I was in the shower. When I got out, she was crying, and screamed at me “Who is this whore messaging you at 2am that she loves you?!?”

One definite perk of dating a girl with no English is you learn Chinese in a damn hurry. I pulled up “the whore’s” profile picture, pointed out that she had blue eyes like mine, and the same last name. “Ta shi wo de mae mae!” I shouted. She was a bit embarrassed about that one.

On another occasion, she threw a tantrum about something. I gather a Chinese man would “coax her” AKA kiss her ass. We Americans don’t roll like that. Instead, I left and went and had a beer. I came back an hour later, and she was packing, saying she was going home. I handed her two-hundred kwai, and said “that should get you to the airport.” (via translation software of course). She blinked like she never thought I’d call her bluff. She settled right the hell down after that. That’s a great thing about Chinese women… they get pissed easy, and get over it fast, unlike American women, where a good fight can last days.

Oh, she also kept trying to get pregnant. Trying to prevent me from… um… withdrawing if you catch my meaning. When I got angry, she pouted and said “I want a baby, one with blue eyes!” I first told her she was crazy, and convinced her that having a baby when we can’t speak, aren’t married, and live 1,000 miles apart was a bit insane. I also tried to explain that her having a blue eyed baby is impossible, and gave her a crash course in genetics. I even drew a Punnet square for her.

The next visit was when she asked me to come to Hainan for her sister’s wedding. I went, and am really glad I did. I got to see something most foreigners don’t, a village wedding in full swing. By this point, her family pretty much treated me as part of the family, including staying in the same room. I would find out why much later…

At this point, the con started too. Red envelopes all around for the wedding.

The visit after that, she came to Zhengzhou. One day, we were in bed, and she had that look on her face. You know the look I mean guys, that “I have something to tell you, but I don’t want to” look. Nothing good comes from that look.

Well, first a little background. She had told me she used to be in the army. I had seen pictures and her uniform before. I knew she spoke and wrote fluent Korean. I assumed there was some likelihood that she had some sort of intelligence analysis function or something.

She proceeds to tell me that not only did she USED to be in the army, but that she STILL was, and that she was army intelligence. She claimed to have multiple cover identities. Knows Tae Kwon Do. Has a gun under the pillow of her bed, the very pillow I had slept on. Told me hair raising, James Bond type stories of being kidnapped, attacked, blah blah blah. Insisted that her country and mine would go to war, and not in the distant future either.

What… the… fuck…

Ok… this shit just got weird. Really really weird. She showed me six different ID cards. I later found out these can be bought on Taobao. She demonstrated her Tae Kwon Do skills, and I have to admit, if I didn’t have double her body weight on her, and knew it was coming, she would have had me locked down.

She said her agency knew about me, and was ok with our relationship. She said her term of enlistment ended that year, and then we could get married (which had never been discussed. I’m stupid, but I have my limits.)

She then left Zhengzhou. I saw her one last time… Like I say… I’m an idiot.

I went to Hainan one final time. We walked on the beach, went to a buddhist temple on a bluff overlooking the Gulf of Tonkin for sunset. One of the more romantic evenings of my life. At this point, she proceeds to tell me she needs surgery, and it will cost one hundred thousand kwai. Her brother would loan her the money, but she had to pay it back, five thousand a month. Can I help her? I made a noncommittal noise.

It was also at this time that I discovered that she had been telling everyone we were married. Calling me her jong fu. Ok, this shit has gone on long enough.

The last night, she said she was going to “the base” to “quit her spy job.” Those were her exact words. She took me to her apartment, told me to sleep, and she would see me when she got back. I woke up at 2am, and she was still not there. I messaged her, and she said they would not let her leave until morning. I told her I was leaving at 10am to catch my flight, whatever happened. She then magically reappeared.

When I got home, it was time to plot my escape. I’m not proud of this… but I told her my mother was very very sick, and was not expected to make it long. Maybe a few months. So sadly, I would have to return to America. The red rope of fate would have to be severed. I even went so far as to send her we chat video from the airport terminal in LA. After a week of tearful blubbering phone calls, I blocked her we chat and phone, and that was that.

Or so I thought. Remember the friend that was there when I met her? She kept messaging him. Still. Nine months later. Her we chat (one of many I’m sure) has a picture of us, and her English name with my last name attached. Supposedly, she did not believe I was in America, and was coming to Zhengzhou to find me.

Just last week, my friend showed me a conversation between her and some of her friends.

It was an insane conversation. It was basically two borderline prostitutes discussing their current marks. One asked her what happened to me, and she said “he blocked me. I guess that’s that.” This is NINE MONTHS after the fact.

In short, I ran across a con artist slash hooker (where else do you think she was that last night until 2am?). She got me for a good chunk of change. But you know what? If she had been straight up from the first day, and quoted me the price, I would have done it anyway. It was fun, it broke the slump, I learned a lot of Chinese, and about Chinese women, and got a pretty good story out of it I think.

Anyway, be careful out there. Next installment, I will tell the “accidental prostitute” story, and maybe the night I got picked up by a girl in a bar story. Those are good ones too.

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