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One of the ways to show your affection to Chinese girl
April 16, 2011
3:21 pm
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Crystal
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One of the things that Jocelyn from "Speaking of China" constantly mentions is that Chinese (differently from Westerners) are more likely to express their love through actions rather than words.

It has two sides. On one hand Chinese girls think that Western guys are more romantic - because they, for example, more readily will say "I love you" or declare their feelings in explicit way. On another hand, we also need the actions which sometimes speak louder than words.

Here is one thing from my personal experience. And I guess that it can be implemented by anyone who wants to make his Chinese girlfriend happy.

Cook for her! I don't mean that you should turn into househusband. But sometimes preparing something tasty for your girl will make her incredibly happy. One thing that I really like when Eugene cooks for me are his soups. Though I am not a big fan of Western cuisine, but I really find Russian style (?) soups delicious. They are very nutritious and can be eaten as main course.

Last two were: pea soup with smoked pork ribs and creamy tomato-beans soup. Yummy!

I hope he can show off his soup skills in front of my family one day.

April 16, 2011
4:57 pm
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ziccawei
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Come for my home, I make onion soup!

 

Cool

April 16, 2011
5:13 pm
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Crystal
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Can I also invite my family? :)

April 16, 2011
11:41 pm
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bairen
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Our western "gift" to be able express more explicitly have also its back sides it seems as we are perhaps also more open to bring up unpleasant discussions, which I unfortunately just recently experienced with a Shanghai girl, not a typical SH princess I would consider but seems like everybody in that city gets stained by its lifestyle and attitude.

Though I have only recently started to express my feelings for this particular girl we have been in touch for a long time, but with more serious feelings also arises suspiciousness and jealousy initially as one gets more attentive to whether a potentially new partner is of good material.

It's totally a different thing to be just friends, most people don't care what others are doing as long as it doesn't hurt themselves, in a relationship however we want to be assured we can trust our partner and along with it there will always be some doubts initially before two people learn know each other better, but some think they should be trusted automatically from the very first day, it's quite naive one would think we should just trust every new stranger we get acquainted with without any consideration. There is also something called "healthy jealousy", a google search will bring up millions of hits but for some it may be no known, it is a know fact a little bit of jealousy is just healthy but some would turn it to their own ego belief they have been hurt by not being trusted despite it is a very good indicator the partner is seriously interested in you, on the other hand, a cheater NEVER worries about anything and consequently NEVER would question their partner.

Well, what happened between me and my almost to be new gf, I ordered flowers for her and the day the flower deliver company was supposed to make the delivery for some weekend ago didn't went as planned and I was informed she was "outside Shanghai" but they could make the delivery to her work on Monday, later that day I saw her on the chat so I asked her "how is the weather in SH"… well you get the point now, she was in SH, at home, and the weather was nice. lol

So I felt upset by that and started to question her whereby she explained she used to receive the flowers at her workplace which didn't make me happier and our chat session went short for that day. Actually, I contacted the flower deliver company again and asked them whether it's common in China the girls would receive the flowers at work, and to my surprise the company told it is a common thing which was something I didn't expect.

The next day she was online again, greeted on her but no reply, after one hour came a longer reply where she explained shortly she had been thinking about us and in fact had some serious thoughts of having a relationship with me and so on… and also mentioned she didn't feel good about not being trusted, despite her politely written message one could feel she was quite upset with me for not trusting her, she was clearly hurt and the the hurt feelings had turned into anger and a sudden break up. These sudden silent tantrum decisions to break up so suddenly without any mature discussions didn't make me happy at all, I tried to communicate to no avail and she has been "off-line" since then, any mature adult wouldn't walk away without having a fair discussion between two parties.

After this interesting episode I was reminded of an interesting article I read for couple of weeks ago WHY Chinese people are divorcing and surprisingly high up on the list comes such as "divorcing of trivial reasons", people have different opinion and can't stand it and divorces on the spot, suddenly I was reminded of my supposed to be new gf's very sudden break-up and the lack of ability to discuss unpleasant matters.

http://www.echinacities.com/ch.....vorce.html

I wouldn't be surprised this has a LOT to do with the one-child-policy, children brought up as the only one without any siblings never get the chance to take into consideration the feelings of the absent sibling, never have to share anything, never have to compete about parents attention, never encounter on not being trusted by an absent sibling and so on and on and on and the list goes on…. no wonder these kids when they grow up many of them become more incapable to handle typical relationship issues, namely, to deal with all the things they never had to learn because of the absent sibling in a one-child-policy family. The one child policy and it's drawbacks has been written about elsewhere too, just google it. The article above is a proof of what is happening with the younger post 80's generation in China, thank you Mao Ze Dong & Co.!

@}–;—

April 16, 2011
11:49 pm
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ziccawei
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Sure, sure - everyone come.

April 17, 2011
12:12 am
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ziccawei
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Bairen - many Chinese girls and women behave in a very Childish fashion (sorry Crystal, but  say what I think) and it's very annoying.  Shanghai girls do this to a fine art.  I have talked to grown women in their 30's who adopt baby-voices and act like kids in order to get attention.  It's tiresome, highly irritating and not the least bit attractive in any shape or form.  Shanghai 'men' love it though - They think it's 'lovely'.  There is a word for this behaviour in Chinese, though I forget it now.

 

My advice with the girl that's put you on hold.  Put her on ignore.  Do not contact her at all.  ALL Shanghai girls behave like this and it's very juvenile, but Shanghai girls are often proud of their ability to behave like this.

 

What is kind of weird is that you could meet a girls from a small town in Zhejiang or Jiangsu very near to Shanghai and her mental maturity could be much higher than a Shanghai girl the same age.

April 18, 2011
2:52 am
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Bored in Melbourne
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Crystal cooking has served me very well with my Chinese lady.  Luckily I love to cook and she loves to eat my cooking.  I have also been told my stir fried noodles are better than most cooked at home back in China.

 

In the end it could just be that I am a willing cook, and it is a better path to praise my cooking than do it yourself, but I seem to get plenty of 'rewards in kind'

April 18, 2011
3:12 pm
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ZhuBaJie
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Ziccy, maybe you're looking for "sajiao"? (撒娇) usually translated as "acting like a spoiled child" which doesn't really cover it for me; it kind of includes this "cute" child-like behavior. My 50-something SO does this sometimes, but I know it's in her culture to do so, so it doesn't bother me (though it also probably doesn't work on me like it would on a Chinese man either). 

 

It's definitely a difference though; sometimes I like it (it can be very playful) but sometimes it's just too "cute" for an adult. (looking back, I wish my American ex-wife had been more playful with me)

 

I'd like to remind everyone that speech is a kind of act; so, the "actions versus words" statements are overdrawn. Rather, we should include many kinds of actions to express our love, not just words; and people in different cultures do this in different ways. I don't at all think Western men don't "act out" their love; they just don't do it in ways the Chinese understand. I've learned to ask about her parents' and siblings' health a lot, and express concern for her being too tired sometimes, and remind her to get more rest, etc., and fill her plate and glass when they are empty, etc. -- all ways she understands that I express caring. I was also a very caring husband to my American (now ex-) wife, but in completely different ways. I think the Chinese way might be boiled down to just paying close attention to her and finding ways to let her know she is deep in your heart and always on your mind.

For a Chinese woman, if a Western man can use his own cultural upbringing and express love in the ways he knows how to (including speech), *and* learn how she wants to have love expressed through other kinds of actions, it's a double win for both parties. Cool

April 18, 2011
9:51 pm
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ziccawei
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Most Chinese girls want the guy to express his undying love (and possible marriage plans) after the first night.

 

Cool

April 19, 2011
12:50 am
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Bored in Melbourne
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Ziccawei, that being the case it could be useful to tell the truth and let them know that you 'love' having sex with them, and 'love' being with them in that moment.  Any more than that is hardly going to be true though is it?  This childish hope for declarations of love to the unknown partner is simply a fantasy, bringing frequent dissappointment up to an art form in some cases.  Hardly any different to waiting at home in front of the TV for the wealthy man bearing the keys to a gift BMW.

 

Of course you can just tell them what they want to hear, even if it is untrue

April 19, 2011
10:32 pm
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bairen
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Ziccawei thanks that's what I did, except for a sobbing SMS the day after I haven't made any attempt to contact her so let's see what happens though she sounded quite affirmative last time.

BiM, girls rushing into a marriage, for some of the perhaps more traditional girls it seems like saving face for the whole family, I had a gf in Beijing and we once had the great "5 year family planning" negotiations with her parents, a business thing where true love doesn't have too much space, the parents worries about their child will have a "secure future", eg. housing etc, well I never married her and she 25 had to find quickly another man to marry with which she did.

Recently I have exchanged again some few emails with her and it seems like time for the potential future husband swapping again and she started to ask me what's my current situation and at the same time laid some nice words for me I could feel her speculations over me again. She had registered with another foreign guy, but not yet kept the marriage party, who hasn't been successful to develop any career but even if he would receive say 4 times the average Chinese salary he very likely would be debted nearly to death in Beijing. This whole business like thing around marriages and Mao's complete failure to regulate the real estate market has created a truly tragic situation for many young people in contemporary China, and add into the mix the highly materialistic girls expecting their prospective husband to own a Be-My-Wife car have gotten too much attention in media skewing other girls minds separating girls and boys even more, very tragic!

Sorry Crystal for being off-topic.

April 20, 2011
2:07 am
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ziccawei
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This whole idea of what they guy must buy and have in assets before he can even consider looking for a wife is just ludicrous.

It is creating a highly unusual social phenomenom in Shanghai and Beijing.

There seems to be no stop to it - Chinese girls seem to be very stubborn about their demands.

 

Lets see what happens in five years time or so, poor things. 

In Shanghai there are over 1 million shengnu - doesn't this sound off any warning alarms to younger chinese girls?  It seems not.

China has created a belief system based entirely on money and money only.  It seems that everyone is trying to get some.

This whole notion of the guy buying a house and having a car - I hear Chinese girls come up with bullshit that this is a strong part of Chinese culture.  wtf?

 

It will end with many young women at the age of 30 alone and no chance of getting married.  Any Chinese girl that says that it's ok to get married after 30 is full of -beep- - Chinese guys like young women and that means under 30 not above.  This whole house-buying thing before marriage will end in tragedy for many people.

April 20, 2011
2:36 am
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Bored in Melbourne
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No wonder these girls lead the world in the age gap.  If a guy need to have everything before they will let them spend the rest of their lives slaving away to support her, no wonder so many of them are mistresses and hooking up with old guys.

April 20, 2011
4:51 am
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ziccawei
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It's great, isn't it?

 

Cool

April 20, 2011
6:26 am
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China Shark Mike
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My girl is from Beijing. Yeah, she's just turned 31. She's completely bought into all that marlarky and as a result I broke it off with her no less than 6 times over the last 2 years. We've been reconciled since early January and we agreed she'd move in my place as of mid May. Anymore I have no expectations of her anymore. I love her yet will not pine over woman while living in China. I figuired if we live together awhile we can see if we are compatible to marry in the future. I'm done the whole finding a new girl once a month. It gets old after awhile. Now just want to save the coin so Amy and I can visit Beijing and later travel around different parts of China. Be working here almost two and a half years and have only been to a few cities. Time for China Shark to stretch his fins and see the all of China. It's ironic now because I really do appreciate her now that I've encountered so many other negative personalities. The Chinese go overboard with the stability security issue. They have no concept of how the world works, just this twisted propoganda the government spouts. Own a house before you marry, how ludicrous is that. Average low end house in my home state is like minimum $100,000 in a bad neighborhood. Personally the way to show affection is the little things, card, phonecalls, buy little things for no other reason than I was thinking of you and just had to get it. Right now I started to add up all my new jobs and it's around 23,000 rmbs for at least the next 3 months {also have still more free time to make even more}. A Chinese man might make 4,000 rmbs a month if he's lucky. It's win win if the woman learns to trust her future husband. Two issues that will forever plague Chinese culture. Money and trust. Pragmaticism is destroying any chances of the culture to flourish. Ten years from now they'll be millions upon millions of Chinese men and women that'll never marry in thier lives therefore putting a further burden on society in general. Yell

Follow the Path Less Chosen and You Will Reap the Rewards of Life.

May 12, 2012
7:56 pm
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Soul Intact
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Ha ha ha. "How do I get the square peg in the round hole?" "Why can't I walk through the brick wall?" "How can I have a meaningful relationship with a Chinese girl?"

 

Stop asking unproductive questions and just date a European girl. They have brains, morals, principles, and won't toss your soul into a wood-chipper just because you didn't buy them a Ferrari on your second date.

January 19, 2013
4:29 am
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IAJ1986
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I have a Chinese girl that has lived in America for the last 12 years. She is 29 now and I am 26. She still has connections in China and she retains some of the cultural beliefs that most Chinese girls have. However, she also has had enough influence from Western culture that she understands that money is not everything and that having a house before marriage is not very likely. I think she has a good mix of both Chinese and Western culture, and I am learning more about how I can express myself to her in ways she is better able to understand. :) Hopefully God will bless this relationship!

 

April 18, 2016
2:46 am
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silvio
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I'm a guy from Portugal, Europe, Iam 37 years old, single... And I know how to cook a lot of european dishes :)
And I don't smoke.

I will ask a chinese girl (here in my city) 33 years old, to be my girlfriend.
I hope she accepts :)

June 20, 2016
3:37 pm
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luckylaowai
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ziccawei said
Most Chinese girls want the guy to express his undying love (and possible marriage plans) after the first night.

 

Cool  

That is true. I love this conversation on the FIRST DATE!

Her: So how long do you plan to stay in China?

Me: I hope to make a life here. I like it here. I don't plan to ever go back, but I can't say what the future holds.

Her: Would you ever marry a Chinese girl?

Me: Sure, if I meet the right one.

Her: How much money do you make? (This is a dangerous question. Lie too low, and she's out the door. Tell the truth, and she can try to spend every jiao.)

Me: Enough. I do well here. (I find vague deflection the way to go here)

A few hours later, after sex...

Her: Wo ai ni...

Me: Um... I don't even know you... um... I really like you...?

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