This is a difficult thing to talk about, but I am at "wit's end".  I met an older, but lovely Chinese girl (42) online 7 months ago. We slowly developed a relationship. Communicate every day. I went to visit 3 months ago. Was treated royally, met her family – ended up proposing. The whole time I have known her (up until the end of June) has been almost complete wonderment for me. She has a daughter in high school. I am 7 years older and have two younger kids myself. We had planned to wed in August – as long as all the paperwork etc. worked out. I think she and her family were counting on it. Her nephew visited me here (he is studying university in Canada). My divorce papers are still not received (application made, but I did not know that here in Canada it can take 6-8 months even if all OK!). I had to tell her I cannot come. I had tickets booked for me and my kids and had to cancel them.

Since that time my girl has taken on greater responsibilities at work, in addition she had signed up for a Mon-Fri evening English course. Now she seems to have no time to communicate with me (since the 1st of July). This is very unusual since we communicated daily since January and Skyping on weekends. And since I proposed we essentially have been pledging ourselves to each other constantly. If this wasn't a long-distance relationship I could ask the questions and I get it resolved. But I am not secure here, the language difficulty, the lack of communication. I don't know what is happening to us. She doesn't seem to respond directly any more. I should say I have absolutely no indication of someone else etc. I trust her completely. I know she is hard working – that is evident in her family, they are all well educated. But now she is busy and always tired. Too tired to write me even. Something is not right.

Is she mad at me for postponing the wedding (even though not in my control) after having made plans? Has she lost face because of it?

Am I seeing the "real" her after so many months of professing love? But I feel we have a real connection deep down.

Is love to her different than my understanding of love?

What can I do? I love her deeply, deeply – more so than anyone else I have met (including ex-wife who I NEVER felt this way about). I am scared to drown her in my love and turn her off.

What can I do for her if she needs to gain face? Will a huge bouquet of flowers help ?

She is away for a time and not even answering my e-mails.

I need to talk about this as an LDR already is hard. Is this just a typical hurdle?

Much appreciated, 

G

WA has made some good points, which I won't belabor. A few other things, just my own thoughts (BTW, we're also "older"):

Does she have a different understanding of love from you? YES. She is from a different culture; and NO because love is a universal human experience. Sorry to give you ambiguity but that conforms with reality. Use this site as a resource to look further into this. To oversimplify: she is looking for a man who would make a good husband and father; hormones are nice, but…

She might be more distant because she's getting ready for the biggest change in her life, ever (marrying you). Taking English, etc. — on the other hand she might be having second thoughts, as in "maybe I'm seeing the real him now because he postponed the wedding — how could he not know how to do that in his own country without -beep- this up for us?" 

Take a breath and relax, let the hormones die down. There is so much you don't know and can't know from this distance. Trust is important but how do you do that long distance with someone you really haven't known for long? You aren't the only one (on this site even) who struggles with this. Take your time; she doesn't need to see you in desperation mode, that's not manly in her eyes. She wants to see you confident and in control (I know, I know, fake it man!)  Think not of your needs but of hers — if she's really busy now express compassion for that and express concern for her well-being and her health — like, every day!!!

If it were me I'd send her flowers just because, and I'd continue to contact her, but don't appear overly needy. You know what I hear most from my Chinese wife about me that's meant as a compliment? Not "you're so handsome" or "you're so romantic" or "I can't live without you" but rather "you're so capable" — and this is what she tells friends and family too, as it is what means most to her to have in her husband.

I am glad you mentioned Sichuan, your description is disturbingly close to a 42 y/o woman I know in Changsha who is messing around with the minds of a number of western men, promising to marry each of them, then dropping them when a "better" prospect comes along.

She even has the cheek to try and restart a relationship if the "better" man turns out to be worse!!! (But continueing to tell the "worse" man she was going to marry him, just in case.

Sadly for her, I knew BOTH the men that came after me, and both were telling me what she was saying to them; needless to say, she does NOT consider me a friend any longer; I posted the transcripts of each man to the other.

Wow, this is all eye-opening for me! My sadness has peaked and now I am just bewildered.

Guys, I sent an expensive bouquet of flowers, just to surprise her. Last time on her birthday she gushed over the flowers I wired. This time – nothing, no acknowledgement, no contact from her at all. My calls not answered.

Kevin, I see the similarities you speak of –perhaps this is happening to us. I would ask then – is there hope for relationships with Chinese women and Westerners? I am very forgiving and patiently waiting for her to see my love and that I have never changed my views, or efforts. On the other hand, realizing now quite likely that "love" is not at the top of the list for relationship priorities for her/others. This is confusing, I thought that "sheng nu" were basically not satisfied with the character of the typical Chinese man and appreciated the Western character and love (as well as other practical things like greater opportunities). Going back to some ZhuBaJie said, it's rather ironic that I could be considered to have failed at being "capable" – this is the opposite of how I am here. A typical DIYer, raising 2 young kids, a home and gardens, responsible career, interests in other cultures/languages etc.

I am not sure I am really cut out for a "grand gesture" of showing up at her doorstep. Besides the difficulty for me (I am a single parent with 2 young kids) to me this does not "feel" right. I would go/ may go if it would help a situation not of our making, but I won’t go to falsely beg for forgiveness.  I am desperately in love – but not psychologically desperate for someone I am no longer sure understands, or wants to understand me. I am not perfect, however my main mistake was following her lead in making this relationship a dream one and striving to do everything too quickly. I overestimated getting through my part of the bureaucracy that was needed to make it work, I didn't change the way I feel about her. I think now that she needs some time to think about this "relationship". Have I lost her now?

I have read several comments that I have “rushed” it. In hindsight, true perhaps. But how does one ever know what is the right length of time? Are there phases to expect if I ever try again ? A friend suggested the “honeymoon phase” was over. And this now hard, “testing phase” may be the end of our relationship. If we survive it – then anything.

I don't how long I will wait for her, perhaps several months. I still really want to hear from her.  Our lives are already intertwined – I cannot imagine her telling her daughter and parents I am not good enough or something to that effect.  But I guess now it is in the realm of possibility. I tried calling – mobile phone either off or no answer. On her family’s phone I was hung up on after my poor Mandarin attempt to ask for her, although I don’t know who answered (her parents don't know English). I did hear two words repeated to me several times to me which sounded like "da zua", possibly "ta zuo" which may mean "she is at work" – can anybody help me understand that? Could be Sichuanese also.

They had all treated me so well when I visited.

I think there may be another clue or two I have still not understood. For one thing she just recently created literally a wall of nice photos of herself in her parent’s living room. There are only one or two of her and me together from my visit, but a least a dozen of her by herself looking nice. Seems a little odd to this Westerner.

She also presented me with a cryptic riddle recently I did not really get (with no real answer given) – about your ranking of Tiger, Horse, Sheep, Pig and Cow. Does anyone understand this? I think it has something to do with determining your priorities in a relationship (from a Chinese understanding of qualities of these animals).

I must have failed. 

Cheers,

G

I'd also like to add that intercultural relationships, especially where language is a problem, are bound to have a lot of misunderstandings. They happen. ALL the time. It's how the individuals in that relationship deal with them. Is the woman quick to anger? Is the man impatient? Then it probably won't work out. Not everyone is suited for a relationship where you have to constantly go above and beyond. 

Since you really want to hear back from her I would suggest trying to get in touch with her relative studying in Canada. See if he can help you out and wait for a few months. I would advise against showing up on her doorstep. I can't imagine any scenario where that worked out well. And don't send her anymore gifts. It doesn't look like you can buy your way out of this mess. Just keep trying to reach her. Persistence just might be the thing that wins her back. Good luck.  

One of the cornerstones of a good relationship is communication; if it is missing, the relationship will eventually fail.

It sounds to me that she is not good at communication, so will never make a good, long term choice.

My girl and I have lots of mis-understandings, but we handle them with humour and keep trying until understanding is 100%

GGC, I honestly hope my opinion is completely wrong. Too many red flags you're ignoring. Dropped off the radar completely, sounds like she's quite childish and rash, two traits that are expected in spoiled children and not adults. Egocentrical personalities can never survive a decent relationship. Sounds to me like you were the back up guy. Don't play second fiddle or settle for mediocrity out of desperate loneliness. I've lived and dated too many Chinese to not see the writing on the wall in your case. Say things do go as you plan who is to say they'll be fine once she emmigrates to Canada. Don't marry just not be alone. A lot of these kind of marraiges end eventually in divorce like mine did back when I married a Shanghai girl while living in Japan. Marrraige lasted a little under two years. We didn't know each other even though we lived together 6 months in Tokyo. Haste makes waste and think how hard it'll be explaining to the second Chinese girl that you've been married twice before. Your viability finding a Chinese spouse will dramatically drop after you disclose that info. Take your time and try to make this your last marraige, till death do us part, know what I mean.

Stop right there. Do NOT let yourself be pressured into closing the deal with a woman who you most likely will be miserable with because you feel like you owe something to her children. You need to have a serious talk with this lady. It might be awkward and painful for you but it needs to be done. I don't mean for this to sound rude but you have to grow a backbone. Seriously. Be a man and tackle your problems head on. If she's resistant to the talk or throws it back in your face then you have to end it and move on. Didn't you get divorced once? Don't think you'd want to do it a second time. If east Asian women are what floats your boat then there are millions to choose from but, as has been stated on this forum before, they like capable men. Not dudes who don't know when to put their foot down and handle their business. Hope it works out for you. 

Thanks guys – I'm going with the girl !

Well, I've realized that all I am getting is guy's opinions and no girls! While I value your views, and they have given me a lot, really a lot, of new perspective, I think for now I am going to stick with my girl. She is worth it. I also realize we are all coming at this from a Western male point of view from what I can tell, no matter what  your experience. I think there are many things about China, and the life of a 40 something year old divorced mother that I may not fathom for years, if ever. 

Hey, my last relationship of 10 years married with a local woman here was pulled out from under my feet – what do I know? Except that this Chinese girl I met is wonderful and my problems all seem to stem from my own devices – my Western expectations key among them.  Didn't the Buddah warn that expectations lead to disappointments in this world? You know, I asked her to marry me, when technically I was (and am) still married to someone else. OK, I realize now that is just crazy impatience. Right now I am just grateful she is still waiting for me.  In the meantime, while waiting for the divorce I've decided to really concentrate on becoming more functional in Mandarin.

I'd love to hear a female viewpoint on this whole topic. 

Much appreciated,

G

GGC …. hi … it has been some time now since you have updated your situation here (and it has been a while since I have been here myself) …. I did not read every single word, but I got the basic idea of why you posted here ….. if I may, a few observations and my "2 cents worth"  :)

by now you have figured out there are too many red flags with this girl you got involved with?  OK ….. sooooooo perhaps you are already finished with this relationship?  Perhaps. China Shark Mike who posted here is really sharp and when he speaks, I listen.

Generally speaking ….. I have noticed consistently that if a girl decides to like a guy suddenly, she will also decide to leave just as suddenly …. every single time without exception … so there is a major red flag right there.

I have noticed that …..

– it takes at least 8 to 12 months to really begin to figure out the real truth about any girl and her family.

– you must learn about the family first before you ever get serious about any Asian girl. Do you feel comfortable with them and do you have a good feeling about them deep in your gut … or not? If not, find another girl. Trust me on that.

– If you want to meet an Asian girl, the best way is to go to her country and spend time there for a while and get a true understanding of the culture. Often, the very best girls are not on the Internet, so plan on meeting a girl while you are there visiting.

–  you gotta be very careful about who you choose to be with (obviously) … I say this because soooooooo often I see guys get carried away with their feelings very, very fast for an Asian girl, because the guy is charmed off their feet.  GO SLOW …. really slow.

– some families are takers and some are givers.

– some girls are takers and some are givers.

– to say it another way; some girls are "producers" and some are "consumers". This is why I like the girls from the more rural areas, generaly speaking, cuz they tend to be productive people.

GOOD THING THIS GIRL YOU MET LEFT NOW. i know the situation is hurtful to you … however, thank your lucky stars you did not marry her and then she dissaperaed on you. You got lucky, my friend.

Most important of all: Asia is loaded with girls …. just go find another one. I can assure you, if you simply take your time you will find a far better girl …. just go slow …. learn some of the language … learn the culture …. become "street wise" …. and you should be fine.

Wishing you all the best ….. :)