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Reasons a Chinese girl won't get in a relationship or break-up with someone
December 30, 2010
10:04 pm
truelove
OH, USA
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December 5, 2010
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As I discussed in one of my posts, I like one Chinese girl. We started talking to each other and now we are pretty much good friends. I am not in hurry to propose her so soon (just 4 months back we met). We are both currently pursuing our Masters in US, so I think I have enough time. I was just wondering about the reasons a Chinese girl won't get in a relationship. I think culture and language will be the top most reasons. I am from Mumbai (Bombay), India and she is from Chongqing, China. I have started learning Chinese by making word list and adding new words regularly. She is helping me in that and now she too is interested in learning my language. I read somewhere about Chinese parents as critical factor. Girls even break-up if their parents don't accept the guy. But I don't have much idea about it.

Reasons:

1. Language (Can be learned…)

2. Culture and beliefs (She is non-believer (no god) but doesn't matter as we both are not too hard on this issues)

What else can be the reasons? This will help in preparation beforehand.

December 30, 2010
11:21 pm
Bored in Melbourne
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November 20, 2010
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Language is not a problem for most Chinese girls who have taken the step to be outside China.  In my experience although some make little effort to adapt to foreign cultures that tends to be more of a Chinese male trait, especially in international students.

I started to learn Mandarin from a Chinese girl I was interested in, and as I picked up more and more I found I learned more Culture than language from her and ended up taking classes.  Chinese women are often practical so I realised later that actually it was her English ability that was rapidly progressing from the interactions between us, I was giving her career a boost.  If she plans to stay in the USA she will want to boost her English understandably, and a tradtional girl is more likely to think longer term and wonder about whether you are both going to be in the same place (are you both returning to your home country later).

There is a degree of racism in most people, as open minded as we think we are, so cultural expectation and preconception about who we imagined we would end up with might hurt your chances, this is more a factor in the 20s than in the 30s though.  Did you ever think growing up you would be hoping for a union with a Chinese lady?  It is unlikely she grew up dreaming of an Indian guy, this is not being racsist, just a reality.  I found that in my own life when I married a girl from the same background as me after falling in love with a girl from another culture, with a lot of unknowns.

You need to be practical about the other potential reasons as well.  She might not find you attractive, but still finds you interesting as a friend.  If this is the case as attraction is a very fickle thing, you are going to have a hard time changing it.  Being her friend is probably only helpful to the degree that she gets to know who you are, and if she can TRUST you.  If you are not attractive to her, nothing is going to happen, try as hard as we do as young men to convince a girl to be attracted to us, it never happens.

If you want her to be attracted to you, you should display your manliness, stability, broad knowledge, and be an interesting person.  At a young age you do not need to be wealthy but having some ambition helps.  Girls tend to think longer term even from a young age, so if she smiles to herself imagining a shared life (remember stability, financially and emotionally are important to females considering even the non gold diggers will assume to be reliant on you when having a family) you have a good start.  Having said that, young women are not attracted to guys who are just boring, we all want some excitement.

Try not to get too caughty up on the factors around her being Chinese, many things are universal.  I am sure she can see that you are very interested in her and her culture, and her showing interest in your language and culture may also be a good sign, but if she is not attracted to you in the first place you might need to protect your own emotional fragility.

 

Despite 1000s of book written on the subject no one really understand what goes on in the mind of a woman, not even themselves.

December 31, 2010
5:10 am
China Shark Mike
Shenzhen, China
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November 17, 2010
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Truelove have to say I think you're in the dreaded friend  zone forever to remain there. Does she show any romantic inclinations towards you at all. Peck on the cheek or hugs, something to indicate you are in fact a guy who could be a future prospect. As bored stated if there is no attraction there is no hope. Also, the racism thing rears it's ugly head once again. Only one color the average Chinese look up to as be above thier own race, sad but true it is white. Chinese are very funny about skin color. There is not a lot of respect for Indians or any person of color in modern day China. I have an Indian friend Rham who tells people he's from America because at least he knows the will reguard him with more respect than an Indian from India. Chinese seem to look down upon blacks and Indians in my experiences here. I think a large part of your dilemnais that it seems one sidede. She seems to be playing the coy card thereby stating not really interested but wants to stay friends. If that's the case and you pressure her you might lose the chance of even remaining friends as it might become ackward for her if you keep advancing towards the next step. Both parties are living out of thier own respective cultures therefore a bond is formed, don't jeopordize a legitimate friendship in lieu of something only one of you really wants. Give it time, if she likes you that way it'll happen sooner or later. Remember the Aesop fable of The Tortoise and the Hare. Patience won out. Truth be told I've read your earlier posts and have summarized that your in a no win situation. Have a real heart to heart talk with her and discuss these issues as opposed to talking to strangers on forums. Be proactive and realistic in your expectations. You're a learned man who she respects but might have never considered you a suitable boyfriend or girlfriend. You sound kind of young and naive therefore lack the true life experiences. Worst possible scenario you part as friends, best possible scanario is develope a romantic relationship leading to something more substational. My guess is you'll land smack dab in the middle of the grey area. Friends for life seems to be the most likely scenario. Just because you want something with every fiber of your being does not it's possible. Hope I'm wrong and you have a chance with this young lady. Time will tell. Keep us posted.

Follow the Path Less Chosen and You Will Reap the Rewards of Life.
December 31, 2010
7:22 am
truelove
OH, USA
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December 5, 2010
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Thanks guys for your suggestions. That's a pretty good description. The last line of Bored was perfect. Even god can't understand girls..:):)I think I am experiencing the same thing as you mentioned in your first 2 paragraph. She is less confident in English so doesn't speaks much with Americans. She even mentioned that talking to me is improving her English.
I am not planning too far on where I will stay forever. Currently my plans are to study then work in US for sometime and then go back to India and start my own business. But it may change. In fact me and my friend has already started with one online business. I showed her some of our works when she asked me about my future plans. After that when I asked her same question she is like planning to go back to China and do some job but not sure. Conclusion we both are not sure.
 
Regarding racism, I never felt that in her. And obviously, neither me and nor her ever imagined about an union any time before. As far as attraction is concerned, I don't know about it. I don't know whether I am reading too much or less. I don't even know if those conversation are just friendly flirt or something else? like once I was thinking about my interview for an intern next day and suddenly she asked me do you have a girlfriend… I said No ..after job I may ask someone to be my GF… and she said I can be ur GF…(in my own world thinking about interview)I said hmm OK and then suddenly it striked …I was like what? She was like ok ok go to library and good luck for interview.. You should study now. I was bit tensed so didn't think or ask her much… I always say miss u and she replies miss u too talks… and many such things… I don't know how much Chinese girls are open and casual. That's the reason I want to be sure before I discuss anything with her.
In fact you are right China Shark. I asked my sister about this and she too gave me same advice …she said to go slow and give some time. But I know that atleast now I am in her good friend's list…as she is buying some gifts from San francisco n Florida…calls me and sms me from her vacation….I am somewhere in her mind.. for next sem I had asked her for dance class with me and she agreed….. I am going to take things to next level in next sem… Lets see what future unfolds for me..:):)
December 31, 2010
8:18 am
Crystal
China / Israel
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January 30, 2010
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truelove said:

suddenly she asked me do you have a girlfriend… I said No ..after job I may ask someone to be my GF… and she said I can be ur GF…(in my own world thinking about interview) I said hmm OK and then suddenly it striked …I was like what? She was like ok ok go to library and good luck for interview.. 

Laugh - oh, my god! I really hope that next time you will react quicker.

 

I just thought to myself: maybe the girl is posting on the forums about relationships with Indian guys and asks other people – "What does he feel towards me? I joked that I could be your girlfriend – but he was like "what?" Is it because he was thinking about the interview or he is only interested in me as a friend? Because I heard that guys don't have the friends ladder. What should I do?

December 31, 2010
9:51 pm
truelove
OH, USA
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December 5, 2010
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I just thought to myself: maybe the girl is posting on the forums about relationships with Indian guys and asks other people – "What does he feel towards me? I joked that I could be your girlfriend – but he was like "what?" Is it because he was thinking about the interview or he is only interested in me as a friend? Because I heard that guys don't have the friends ladder. What should I do?

I hope the same Crystal… In fact she knows I have habit of thinking of something else and talking something else at same time. That's why she calls me perfect Geminian. There was one more incidence when I sent her an sms like she is a god gifted friend for me… she called me later that evening and after our normal conversation about course work… she told me the same thing that I am also like a god's gift for her… I said OK…then she asked do you know what I said…. I was like "OhhEmbarassed… actually I didn't understand so I just said OK…I felt it was more Chinese accent"… she laughed Laughand said the same thing again…. I was like "Ohh sorry sorry and thanks a lot"… I said you are perfect Cancerian… always catches me in your claws…

Now a days I have stopped thinking anything else while talking to her… Last month I had also asked her to come for an Indian event at Univ so I bought ticket and gave it to her… Problem was like I reached like 20mins late because of my stupid roommates and that poor girl waited for me… I had given her the ticket so she had the option to go in the hall with our common Indian friends… they asked her to come in hall instead of waiting for me. But she opted to wait outside… when I reached I felt so guiltyEmbarassed… she was still smiling and didn't ask me any reason… She was like I know you are always on time… it's ok you are late this time…. later my Indian friends told me that she waited for me 20-25 mins outside the hall….they asked her to come in but she refused saying she will come in with me…

But above all one thing is sure that she does knows I worry about her a lot…  In fact we were planning to celebrate new year eve together (as none of my friends are here) but unfortunately her relatives insisted her to stay with them for 31st night… so will just call her and meet her next year when she comes back from her trip…SmileSmile…Although now onwards we don't have any common classes as she is from different dept but I asked her for dance class as an extra course and she has agreed…Hope things turn out to be more positive and clear that time… 

Language and culture can be learned, I don't think skin color should be a problem but yes she does like my eyesLaugh..lol..she said this when we met first time. I was like ohhh My eyes were never ever valued in local (India) market and suddenly it's praised in global market…. I explained her this and she started laughing… Laugh

Happy New Year to all of you. Will keep you guys posted whatever may be the results. 

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