In previous parts (part I, part II) of this article I discussed the premises for any kind of art (as outlined in the book of Erich Fromm “Art of Loving”). It’s time now to conclude the subject by describing four qualities specific for the art of loving.
First of them is objectivity – ability to see and judge other people independently from our own desires and needs. Of course, it’s natural that we favor people who please us and contempt those who displease us. Moreover – such biased judgment is an almost inevitable stage of any romantic relationship. But the more blind the infatuated person is in the beginning – the deeper will be his/her disappointment when the “fog” dissipates.
And then it’s easier to put the blame for failed illusions on partner than look for the reason in ourselves. Funny enough, some people – after repeating the same scenario of falling in love and getting disappointed a number of times – prefer admitting that they “have lost faith in love” rather than trying to change their own attitude.
Since my blog revolves around the topic of intercultural relationships, it’s appropriate to note that intercultural/interracial dating is by itself a good test of ability to be objective. The way in which people learn, experience and judge other culture (and their own!) reflects the person’s maturity level. As a side note, just as it’s impossible to love someone else without first loving yourself – it is also impossible to truly respect and love a foreign culture/country without respecting your own. Otherwise such “love” is degraded to the level of fetish.
Objective judgment of yourself, your partner and the circumstances of relationship can reveal many obstacles existing on the way to happiness. Here comes into play another quality described by Fromm – faith. He distinguishes between irrational faith and rational faith. The latter – which he sees as the necessary premise for the art of loving – is characterized by healthy belief in positive outcome. Example of rational faith is parent believing in his/her child and helping him/her to grow and realize the potential (without manipulating!)
My readers know very well how many obstacles they have to overcome in order to make their dream come true: long distance, reluctance of parents, fear of unknown, financial difficulties, lengthy legal procedures and so on. I believe that couples which keep faith in their happy future and are faithful to each other deserve to be happy and eventually succeed.
To have faith in yourself and your partner requires courage. Fromm describes courage as “the ability to take risk, the readiness <…> to accept pain and disappointment”
To be loved, and to love, need courage, the courage to judge certain values as of ultimate concern – and to take the jump and stake everything on these values.
To spare unnecessary words of how important the courage is for true love, I will put here a link to the famous song “The Rose”.
The last premise of art of loving that Fromm mentions in his book is activity. The accent on active state of mind lies in the fact that Fromm uses the word “loving” instead of “love”. Activity (as opposed to laziness) is expressed in the inner state of awareness, intensive feeling and thinking during all the time that the person is awake.
It is tightly connected to the principle of discipline and concentration discussed in the previous parts.
And like with other qualities, also activity has the special meaning in intercultural relationships. Besides learning each other’s personal traits, lovers need to be always sensitive to cultural differences. Actually, besides being a challenge – dating a person from other culture is blessed with the opportunity to constantly learn new fascinating things.
This post I dedicate to one of my readers. He loves a beautiful Chinese woman. And at some point he faced unpleasant “truth”. It made him to take a second – more objective – look at their relationship. As far as I know he overcame the initial frustration. Right now, if he wants his dreams to come true, he does need a lot of faith and courage.
Learning the art of loving, Crystal Tao
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