A colleague of mine years ago dated a Cantonese woman. Once, when we were talking, he asked me what I thought of his girlfriend.
Unfortunately there is no right way of responding to such a question.

I tried to wave it off diplomatically – “she’s nice, I hope that both of you will be very happy” – but I could tell he wasn’t satisfied, though he didn’t press the matter.  Several months later they were married.

I wish I could report that indeed both of them have been very happy, but that is not how it turned out. As, at the time, happened what I suspected would happen.

You see, I knew what his future mother-in-law was like.
What I should have told him was “consider her family, what they are is what you will have to deal with, and she resembles her mother…”.

In some regards, all women end up like their mothers.

Chinatown Family Life

People learn their behaviour from their childhood environment, and Chinatown Cantonese girls are treated with greater firmness than male children, which means that much more of their personalities are formed within the family.  During most of their youth they won’t be permitted much exposure to alternative ways of acting and thinking, and any independent-mindedness will be frowned upon.

They are expected to study hard, obey their parents, and NOT be exceptional in any way. Reward is dealt out far more grudgingly than punishment: public embarrassment, savage harangues, or worse – which are euphemistically called “instruction”.

For Chinese-American daughters, accomplishment or talent is far less likely to result in praise than it would for boys – a clever woman is problematic, and may be perceived as too intelligent and individualistic to marry off. There is no virtue in showing-up her brothers, or any other man for that matter.

This situation lessens somewhat during their college years, but at that time they often still don’t enjoy the freedoms that their brothers at that age can and do take for granted. What they will take for granted is a far greater level of frustration and social restraint.

Far more than Caucasians, Cantonese parents expect to dominate their children’s lives. In consequence, Cantonese children are used to a degree of repression and parental meddling that most white people of the same age cannot begin to comprehend.

Especially if they are girls.

Another thing many Cantonese kids are used to is being compared unfavourably to someone else.  Other children are always mentioned as sterling examples of talent, scholastic ability, or obedience, and that you aren’t like them is your fault, you are lazy and no good, and you are doing it deliberately to cause unimaginable suffering to your parents, to whom you owe everything, who are so deeply ashamed of your incompetence and stupidity. All of Chinatown is saying what a bad child you are.

For young ladies, the burden of being female is compounded by a hefty dollop of shamefulness.

Chinese men are expected to be somewhat ‘adventuresome‘.  It isn’t considered quite proper (though often much admired), but it is well within the range of normal behaviour for a man to act out in certain ways. However, if a young man may be expected to calm down and start acting mature once married, a young woman in a similar situation will be regarded as irredeemable and not worth marrying.

Even worse, her misbehavior affects her siblings chances of finding a suitable mate. Given that her brothers’ sons will be infinitely more valuable to the family than she can ever be, minor disobedience from a young woman is a far more grievous sin than outright rebelliousness and delinquency in a boy.

It’s a question of different responsibilities – she leaves the family when she marries, but he acquires a mother for his parents’ grandsons.

Marriage

The best match for a child is someone with a good reputation from a family background that can be vouched for, such as the offspring of hometown connections and old friends or colleagues of the parents, who are locally well-known, respected, and entrenched within stable social circles.

The worst possible choice is a complete stranger whose family is unknown, with no relations and no local ties. Such a coupling announces that the family couldn’t manage any better, and they do not care enough to verify that person’s antecedents.

“Consider her family, what they are is what you will have to deal with, and she resembles her mother….”

After marriage, the greatest achievement of a woman in Chinatown is giving birth to sons. Correspondingly, failure to do so will be ascribed to things that she did wrong: she didn’t obey her in-laws, she was too stubborn and should have quit her job or worked closer to home, she was too friendly, and so forth. That the Y chromosome comes from the man is entirely immaterial; not giving birth to sons is manifestly her fault.

Even worse, daughters diminish a woman’s standing and suggest that she herself is defective (and, by extension, that her family is flawed).  Being born female hurts your mother and puts her parents in a bad light. This idea dominates the atmosphere in which girls grow up. Indeed, their parents may admit the illogic behind the premise, but it is ever-present in the social environment and reflected in the language.

Even if the mother and father never express the thought, other relatives will.  And the mother will be told by well-meaning friends and neighbors that if she does everything right, eats certain foods, follows various superstitious rules, and obeys her husband and her parents-in-law far more than she has, the next one will be a boy.

Given the stigma to being female – doubled if one gives birth to females – it should not be surprising that the outmarriage rate for Chinese in America is enormous, and even less surprising that it is primarily Chinese-American women who marry outside the group.

And, of course, that also is the woman’s fault.

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