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Happy Valentines!

We get alot of questions about Chinese girls on our Formspring page. A Taiwan origin Chinese girls & relationship expert YHC, currently studying abroad for a year, tries to answer some of your recent questions.

Q: I had to change marriage plans with my Chinese girlfriend, as my divorce is not final yet. She said it did not matter, it was not in our control etc. Now she is too busy to communicate with me. Is she upset about it? What can I do? I love her completely.

A: This doesn’t seem very culture specific. My guess is that she is probably upset. To her, it might seem like you’re  lying about your divorce plan and it is very uncertain for her to know when you will be hers. She cannot get angry with you for the divorce because she knows you can do nothing. She may not even want to see you or talk with you because she doesn’t know what to do next. I believe you should tell her that you love her and give her more clear plans and deadlines as to when the divorce is expected to happen. It might also help if you made your plans public, with other mutual friends and your family, so that she feels more reassured and confident that you’re serious about this.

Q:  Hi, I’m chnse american, living in the US. I speak cantonese, & 5% of mandarin. My g.f ask move to china and stay with her. Oneway ticket. She also, lie, cheat on me & got abortion. I love her still?, but is a BIG step. HELP!!!

A: Not entirely clear what sort of advice you’re looking for but from the sound of it this is an already rocky relationship. Lies, cheats, abortions, that sounds a bit like trouble, though I can understand that in love, as always, there are two sides to everything. I honestly don’t think there’s a big risk in giving this a try for a short period of time and then deciding. You could always go there with a oneway ticket and if things don’t work out you can get away with buying another oneway ticket. But if you are not willing to try, this relationship would be dead. So, it all depends on how much you like her and your willingness to give this a shot.

Q: what are chinese girls opinions on us ABC’s (American Born Chinese) ?

A: For me, and I think to most Chinese girls, ABCs are foreigners. But, a special bread of foreigners. In their eyes, I imagine most ABCs consider themselves to be stuck between cultures, neither being entirely local or foreign, perhaps being an ideal mix offering the best of both worlds. I imagine than an ABC, especially one that is fluent with the local language and culture, would also go better with the local Chinese parents. But, expect more issues of misunderstandings expecting ABC behavior to be local while it’s obviously not. Atleast with foreigners everybody knows that differences are an option, with ABCs – because of similar appearances, there’s more possibility of a clash or mis-attribution.

Q: In the context of traditional standards of Chinese body image, are weight gain, obesity & being overweight considered to be greater or lesser taboos or sources of anxiety amongst Chinese girls, & in Chinese society more broadly as compared to the west? 

A: I’ve been asked about this topic alot. Look back at some of our former answers. Last week, I talked with my boyfriend on skype, and his parents joined our conversation (because it was Chinese New Year, they wanted to greet me). However, the first sentence they said to me was “Did you gain weight?” instead of “Happy CNY!”. Yes, I did gain 2-4 kg since I left for an exchange in Europe, but i still looks fine! but after that night, I annouced to my foreign friends in Prague, “I am going on a diet”. They were all so so so shocked! ”How can you go on a diet before you are fat?” ”Are you kidding? You need 10 kg more!”, ”If you didn’t tell me you are from Taiwan, I would think you are from Africa.” etc etc etc…. They are nice. 

now, I am indeed on a diet.