Confessions of a Modern Chinese Girl : The Marriage Dilemma

Getting married in China

 

The following post was sent to us by a lovely Chinese girl who lives in  Shanghai. She is in her late 20s, enjoys a successful career with an international brand company, has traveled the world and is perhaps typical of the “modern Chinese girl” :

My good female friends think I should find a man ASAP. They say I am not very young and that Chinese men really care about a girl’s age so that if a girl is above 30 years old they would probably prefer to find younger girl. My friends have a lot of female friends above 30 who are single and they now have a very difficult to find a man. Since they think it’s very difficult for a girl to get pregnant when you’re above 35, they suggested me to find a husband in hurry and not waste time. If I’ll just let myself get old then i will probably regret not getting married sooner and having a baby because – at the end – woman, me included, want a baby. I do worry that if I get too old I won’t be able to find a man and I won’t be able to get pregnant and have a baby.

I tell my friends, I can’t just find a random man to get married. I will die if I get married to a man that I don’t love just for the sake of getting married and having a baby. I just can’t do that. True, I want a family, i want a baby, but i am really not interested in looking for a ‘husband’ right at this moment. I keep telling my friends that I will meet a right person one day, but they reply that I am day-dreaming, still living in romantic fantasy.

They don’t understand me. They think i should meet guys and try to see someone, try to date, not necessarily find a random guy, but make an effort to find a guy I can love. I reply,yes, i meet lots of new guys when I go out with friends, but I’m in no mood to think about that direction.

Now, i don’t know what’s wrong with me, honestly, i am really not interested in anything or anyone here in Shanghai. Seems like I am not in such a hurry to get married. I guess I’m totally different from all of my Chinese girl-friends, and also from my family. I have a different idea with most of the single women I know here in China. They think girls must find a man who has a house and a car.To me, that’s just bullshit. I can’t see how this is the right way, I totally disagree with this approach.

Am I Chinese?

She would love to hear your opinions on her dilemma and thoughts.

8 comments to Confessions of a Modern Chinese Girl : The Marriage Dilemma

  • Jack D

    I don’t think it matters where you are from. All that really matters is who you are…you sound like a woman who knows what she wants and that isn’t a man who would prefer another because you are over thirty. Just do what you believe in. Be whoever you want to be, not who others want you to be.

  • Sheceido

    In my opinion, wise decision. Don’t marry for the sake of marrying. Just because everyone has married doesn’t mean you need to too, right then and there. If everyone were jumping off the same cliff, knowing you’d probably break a leg, would you still do it? Find the one you truly have that ‘love spark’ with. It’s not a romantic-fantasy. It’s a standard you set for yourself and the one you want to find. And if, at the end, you don’t meet ‘the one’, why settle for something less? To get married to a man whom doesn’t love you, or think of you as a sex object, just shouldn’t be happening. Reading so much about how so many Chinese women speak of ‘sometimes you don’t marry the person you love’ is just very disheartening. If you feel majority of the men you meet aren’t the one for you, then don’t go for them. Why void yourself of the possibility of finding someone you truly want to be with?

    It would definitely be awesome if a man you want to be with has a house and a car, but if he has no heart, then you’ll be trudging a long road towards frustration, guilt, and ‘why was I so unlucky?’ kind of feeling. House and car can make a woman’s life easier, but to lack a man that really loves you, and not just have you ‘as a wife’, can really MAKE your life (that much better). Look for a man that strives and has that burning fire of inspiration to climb towards the top. He might not be rich, have a car, and likely doesn’t have a house, but if he’s a good person, isn’t dirt-poor, and isn’t a “大男人”, think of what a good representation he may be to everyone you know, and to your children in the future?

    I cheer you on. Being an independent woman can be hard. I wish you the very best to finding the man that’s just for you.

  • VB

    I am fifty two and have taught in a middle school for 22 years. I love my vocation and put off having a family until it was too later for those I love. I always considered having a family integral to my being and now its too late. Don’t procrastinate too long or you may share the desert I am now confronting.

  • kodihi

    This is probably the most reasonable description of this dilemma by a Chinese girl. You are one of the “Modern” Chinese women who have trouble accepting the traditional wisdom of your society.

  • Justin

    I’ve always personally thought the notion that the need to be married before 30 is a little ridiculous; but I’m also very much a westerner so pls forgive my bias there. People should marry when they’re rrady in my opinion.

    I fully support your ideas and I think you are a very wise woman because you are being true to yourself. I’ve had those same feelings in a different, though related, circumstance in my life finding a career, being financially stable, and moving out. I’m in my late 20s as well and in the US it is common and traditionally common for kids to leave the parents nest and live on their own at a much younger age than in china. It would not be uncommon here, for example, for an 18 year old to move out of their parents house (sure they’re most likely going to college but they’re still on their own), and in my parents generation most people had their own apartments in their early 20s.

    So here I am, 27, haven’t had a significantly stable job since I graduated from college, and haven’t moved out yet. On facebook I’ve seen a ton of people from high school married, with children, and leading stable and successful jobs/careers. Quite a few times I’ve felt like I’ve been losing traction and speed fast and I am becoming more and more of a loser. It took some talking to and advice to help me get out of this destructive and debilitating way of thinking but what really set me off in a more postivie direction was when one friend simple asked ” Why do you need to compare yourself to others?”

    She was right. I didn’t need to do it and rather than worry about my socioeconomic status, instead I should focus on being happy. That’s not to say I should disregard finding a job (I’m in the process of changing careers) and moving out, but those are my goals and they will happen when they happen. I’m not sitting passively on this stuff, but at the same time I am living and enjoying life; knowing that these things will fall into place when the time is right.

    I offer the same advice to you. Rather than pursue a husband or even a boyfriend, like it seems many Chinese do based on my albeit limited view of China, live and enjoy your life. People of interest will naturally gravitate towards you when the time is right . I’m not saying dont look, but look when you want to and in the meantime enjoy life as it is. Things will fall into place when the time comes.

    To give you perspective as well, the first pair of my friends to get married literally happened yesterday. They’ve been boyfriend and girlfriend since high school 10 years ago, and they’ve been living together for the last 5 years or so. They are the first of my friends to get married and they’ve had some pressurw. But in all honesty, they were being true to themselves and understood that they didnt need marriage to be together despite the norm for a couple being together that long.

    They were doing an excellent job of being true to themselves as you are to yourself. The time was right for them, and I’m sure that the times, when they come, will be right for me (career wise) and most especially for you. My best advice is really just. Be yourself and enjoy your life and what it means to you, not so much to other people.

    I hope this helps : )

  • Walter Lawrence

    Marriage is not for everyone. Do nothing that will make you unhappy.

  • Robbie Kleij

    I’m doing a study on MEME or Memes, Personal Memes NOT; Social Memes, Cultural Memes or Sociological Memes (look it up, you might be surprised) I think we often get the wrong end of the stick and point the finger to many times. Why does anyone’s life choices need to follow Memes or Tradition even. Our lives are our own and no tradition can compensate for what really our life should, could or would be. After becoming a student of Astrology and Meditation (Note: these are two totally different schools of thought and\or discipline) I believe we are all here on a path that is unique to our selves and Memes are what takes us from these paths and generally messes up our intended lives. Astrology points to the cycles although we must note the earth does not just revolve around the sun and end up in the same position each year as our school days Memes have taught us! no it doesn’t…!
    Can you say {VORTEX well that’s apparently Wrong so don’t say it} say HELIX instead yes folks we live in, on and with the elements within a Helix not a mere circulation like most of us have be shown, Ref: walk down the street and swing a ball on a string around you’re head keeping at a 60º declination is what I’ve been told is a correct description, your head being the sun traveling though the galaxy and the ball on the string the planets, roughly depict the motion we experience as we transition along with the sun.
    Anther Meme found to be leading us off the path with stories of Vortexes instead of Helix.

    but I digress, Memes (biology) a cultural unit (an idea, value or pattern of behaviour) that is passed from one person to another by non-genetic means (as by imitation), is what makes us occasionally believe that what is common is truth, and reality must follow these beliefs and notions.
    I beg to differ or world wars [total world wars] would be so regular we would never be able to o without them. Music, Fashion, and all the other Arts would repeat ad infinitum and be totally the same as they were in the previous cycle and that’s not so, there are always little variations, conflict is avoided, at least in the same vein, but we have Cycles of rock to hip hop, fashion style are obviously not repeated even though the industry repeatedly changes the length of cloth used for commercial and consumerist profit. you can’t always make a maxi skirt from a mini skirt’s material can you So you sew a new style onto it or add tights.
    Beethoven and beetles are not the same genre but the notes are often repeated. art decor was fashionable in houses then the move went to minimalist and so on, so we do revolve around a moving sun as Astrology tells us. No one being is exactly the same as a predecessor born at the same elliptic plane ,date month sidereal hour or place but in a different year.
    A Capricorn Dragon 12 years apart are similar but never the same. So why should the Memes we follow be alike? I think not. I think as I started we all have a path and avoiding continued continuity that is forced on us by culture and society Memes and a habit of what is common is nothing but Wrong. Be yourself be free to choose and be unique and we’ll end up with a beautiful world. “om mani padme Hum” [the universe is the jewel in the lotus of our heart]

  • Timothy Page

    You are very selfish girl, confused, lost your femininity. I don’t know why any man would want you.

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