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Confessions of a Modern Chinese Girl : The Marriage Dilemma

Guest article by Laura

Loving the dark side of things, looking at mostly irrelevant and insignificant topics…

Getting married in China

 

The following post was sent to us by a lovely Chinese girl who lives in  Shanghai. She is in her late 20s, enjoys a successful career with an international brand company, has traveled the world and is perhaps typical of the “modern Chinese girl” :

My good female friends think I should find a man ASAP. They say I am not very young and that Chinese men really care about a girl’s age so that if a girl is above 30 years old they would probably prefer to find younger girl. My friends have a lot of female friends above 30 who are single and they now have a very difficult to find a man. Since they think it’s very difficult for a girl to get pregnant when you’re above 35, they suggested me to find a husband in hurry and not waste time. If I’ll just let myself get old then i will probably regret not getting married sooner and having a baby because – at the end – woman, me included, want a baby. I do worry that if I get too old I won’t be able to find a man and I won’t be able to get pregnant and have a baby.

I tell my friends, I can’t just find a random man to get married. I will die if I get married to a man that I don’t love just for the sake of getting married and having a baby. I just can’t do that. True, I want a family, i want a baby, but i am really not interested in looking for a ‘husband’ right at this moment. I keep telling my friends that I will meet a right person one day, but they reply that I am day-dreaming, still living in romantic fantasy.

They don’t understand me. They think i should meet guys and try to see someone, try to date, not necessarily find a random guy, but make an effort to find a guy I can love. I reply,yes, i meet lots of new guys when I go out with friends, but I’m in no mood to think about that direction.

Now, i don’t know what’s wrong with me, honestly, i am really not interested in anything or anyone here in Shanghai. Seems like I am not in such a hurry to get married. I guess I’m totally different from all of my Chinese girl-friends, and also from my family. I have a different idea with most of the single women I know here in China. They think girls must find a man who has a house and a car.To me, that’s just bullshit. I can’t see how this is the right way, I totally disagree with this approach.

Am I Chinese?

She would love to hear your opinions on her dilemma and thoughts.

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  • Jack D

    I don’t think it matters where you are from. All that really matters is who you are…you sound like a woman who knows what she wants and that isn’t a man who would prefer another because you are over thirty. Just do what you believe in. Be whoever you want to be, not who others want you to be.

  • Sheceido

    In my opinion, wise decision. Don’t marry for the sake of marrying. Just because everyone has married doesn’t mean you need to too, right then and there. If everyone were jumping off the same cliff, knowing you’d probably break a leg, would you still do it? Find the one you truly have that ‘love spark’ with. It’s not a romantic-fantasy. It’s a standard you set for yourself and the one you want to find. And if, at the end, you don’t meet ‘the one’, why settle for something less? To get married to a man whom doesn’t love you, or think of you as a sex object, just shouldn’t be happening. Reading so much about how so many Chinese women speak of ‘sometimes you don’t marry the person you love’ is just very disheartening. If you feel majority of the men you meet aren’t the one for you, then don’t go for them. Why void yourself of the possibility of finding someone you truly want to be with?

    It would definitely be awesome if a man you want to be with has a house and a car, but if he has no heart, then you’ll be trudging a long road towards frustration, guilt, and ‘why was I so unlucky?’ kind of feeling. House and car can make a woman’s life easier, but to lack a man that really loves you, and not just have you ‘as a wife’, can really MAKE your life (that much better). Look for a man that strives and has that burning fire of inspiration to climb towards the top. He might not be rich, have a car, and likely doesn’t have a house, but if he’s a good person, isn’t dirt-poor, and isn’t a “大男人”, think of what a good representation he may be to everyone you know, and to your children in the future?

    I cheer you on. Being an independent woman can be hard. I wish you the very best to finding the man that’s just for you.

  • VB

    I am fifty two and have taught in a middle school for 22 years. I love my vocation and put off having a family until it was too later for those I love. I always considered having a family integral to my being and now its too late. Don’t procrastinate too long or you may share the desert I am now confronting.

  • kodihi

    This is probably the most reasonable description of this dilemma by a Chinese girl. You are one of the “Modern” Chinese women who have trouble accepting the traditional wisdom of your society.