I am a 26 year old single American male who has lived in Guizhou province for about two years. My own dating episodes (read: misadventures) and general social observations have been discouraging but enlightening. They have led me to theorize about how the current climate of dating and marriage in Guizhou has come to be. They’ve also allowed me to predict its future. I’ve given this much thought because I’ve been trying to make sense of the current dating funk in which I find myself. All considered, I can’t help but feel that I’m fighting a losing battle. I’d like to share my conclusions.

Some of the following is rooted in my own personal experience and acts simply as a supplement in my attempt to explain the current dating and marriage climate in Guizhou specifically. However if you do believe that what I present here could be a microcosm for China, I’d like to know. I encourage and welcome your critical analysis of my conclusions so that I may better understand what I see around me as a foreigner in China.

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Among the local girls with whom I’ve developed some kind of relationship, be it friendship or otherwise, two girls in particular have provided me with a view into Chinese dating and marriage culture.

Girl 1 admitted that SHE thinks a lot of Chinese guys cheat on their girlfriends or wives. She said she doesn’t mind as long as she adopts a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy with her future boyfriend or husband.

Girl 2 told me that she would never date a foreigner. She told me that it wasn’t necessarily because of her preferences, but because her parents would never approve. I asked her: “So your parents’ approval or satisfaction in your potential husband is more important than your own?” She answered without hesitation: “Of course”.

I’ve been hearing this idea of a collective society as part of Chinese culture ever since I arrived two years ago. In my experience, the word “harmonious” is the default adjective used by people here to describe Chinese society. I’ve never found it terribly accurate though, e.g. shameless cutting in lines or the standoffishness at the sight of a stranger in need of someone’s serious help. But when it comes to dating and marital protocol, it becomes much more accurate.

I’d say most people, and this includes girls who are dating, don’t necessarily always make decisions in their own best interest. They make decisions based on what’s better for the whole, meaning for the parents, for relatives, for friends, etc. (collectively called guan xi). So the person a girl eventually marries may not necessarily be the one she really wants to be with. He’s just a better match for the bigger picture. Several Chinese people, aside from girl 2, have agreed with this conclusion.

I don’t think it’s much of a stretch then to assume that having affairs is typical for this reason. And assuming that divorce is not in the best interest of the whole, especially if children are involved, it seems only natural that one eventually grows tired and anxious in a perhaps loveless marriage. He or she may then decide not to get divorced but just simply to have an affair. And both the man and the woman will observe a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy to prevent making any waves in the “harmony” of the marriage, family, or whole (see girl 1).

A study done by the University of Chicago presented in 2005 tried to find the frequency of extramarital affairs in urban China in a given 12 month period. The study found that as of the year 2000, 20.6% of the total men surveyed (1,240) and 3.9% of the total women surveyed (1,275) were having extramarital affairs. Regardless of your confidence in the accuracy of these results, it’s extremely important to note that they represent the frequency within one 12 month period only. Had the study extended it’s scope to include a broader period of time, say a few years or maybe even ever, the percentages would have almost certainly been profoundly higher.

My observations and personal experiences are a testament to these numbers as well. Particular “salons” , “massage parlors”, or “KTVs” and other discrete prostitution venues seem to be common. Sometimes there may be a pink florescent light, a provocative sign, or even a young promiscuously dressed woman inviting one to enter. I’d think it safe to assume that since there is an abundant supply of such services, be it obvious or discrete, that there must be an equivalent demand, otherwise such venues simply wouldn’t exist. And therefore safe to assume that at least some of the clientele is of the married kind. The study also divided extramarital affairs into casual and commercial, of which 8.8% of the men fell into the commercial category.

I’m told Guizhou is one of the poorest provinces in China. I kept this in mind when a Chinese girl whom I know at a local university told me that some of her classmates in fact actively pursue becoming a “second wife” to a wealthy man. I can believe this and my observations of these supposed second wives help me to understand why. At a bar or nightclub, one will see girls who might fit the description of these second wives- young and attractive, early twenties perhaps, toting name brand everything, enjoying the most expensive drinks, wanting to attract only a certain financial caliber of man, blind and indifferent to all other pursuers.

It’s suggestive that being a second wife pays well or that the high price to pay in order to become one is well worth the investment. Such observations may easily be unfair and inaccurate, but one can’t help but deduce certain things from such observations in order to explain what he sees if indeed living in a “poor” place. Being a mistress means a stable source of income for a girl, most likely considerably more than she could be paid working a normal part time job. But more importantly it means income for her family. Again, acting in the best interests of the whole.

Compounding this phenomenon is the fact that there is a significant gender imbalance in this country. According to the 2010 Chinese census, 51.27% of the population was male and 48.73% female. These percentages don’t seem that terribly unbalanced until one considers the size of the entire population revealed in the same census: 1,370,536,875. Doing the math, one arrives at a figure of close to 34 million males for which there is currently no female equivalent. 70.14% of the entire population given in the census was in an age group of likely marriageability (15-59). Majority of the 34 million will be in this age group. So a separate number, reflecting those who may be currently pursuing a wife among the 34 million, will be smaller but still quite large. One can simply consider the 1.057 male/female sex ratio for the 15-64 age group. There is a definite gender imbalance in China today.

Enter China’s one child policy. Most Chinese today still live in rural areas, 50.32% according to the census. The rural inhabitants, some of whom are allowed to have only one child, seem to prefer a male so that he can presumably meet more of the physical demands of life in a rural area (work on a farm). Also, this is in addition to what seems to be an already cultural preference for male children. For these reasons, many make reference to sex-specifc abortions as a cause for the imbalance. Predictably, it is forbidden for a doctor to tell expecting parents the sex of their baby in fear that they will abort it if female.

Keeping in mind the large difference between the Chinese male and female populations, enter the economic law of supply and demand. The supply of bachelorettes is low because of the One Child Policy. The demand for them high because there are so many more men than women. This scarcity, and the resultant profitability, may make some women seriously consider the possibility of becoming a mistress. Additionally, when a significant amount of the men also actively seek out extramarital affairs, meaning a further increase in demand, this then makes becoming a mistress an even more attractive option because it has become just that much more potentially lucrative.

Dating and eventual marriage thus become a kind of high price auction. A partner then is chosen based not on personality or even physical appearance to a certain degree, but rather is calculated on financial longevity. Relationships and marriages then resemble more that of the inner workings of a corporation than anything else. The collective interests of stockholders will dictate the decisions of the possibly reluctant CEO. For in any other case, the CEO will undoubtedly face unwanted heat generated by the disapproval of her stockholders.

So putting all of this together, my final conclusion in its rawest form is as follows: the particularly Chinese cultural characteristic of acting in the interests of the whole, coupled with the ongoing effects of the One Child Policy, have established the foundation for the current and future states of marriage and dating in a “poor” province such as Guizhou. They render extramarital affairs commonplace and will consequently call for increasing numbers of young girls to supply the demand for seemingly well paid mistresses. This, in effect, will only cause the frequency of such extramarital affairs to increase even further.